


Surviving

by Jenn0509



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Avengers Family, Bisexual Bucky Barnes, Bisexual Female Character, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Bucky Barnes Returns, Cancer, Childhood Friends, Derogatory Language, Eventual Smut, F/M, Falling In Love, Father-Son Relationship, Foreign Language, French Characters, Frigga Lives, Half-Human, Ice Powers, Interspecies Romance, Jotunn | Frost Giant, Kid Fic, Loki Has Issues, Loki's kid, M/M, Miscarriage (Mentioned), Mother-Son Relationship, New York City, Not Thor: The Dark World Compliant, One Night Stands, Past Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, Past Relationship(s), Possessive Loki, Post-Avengers Asgard, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Protective Bucky Barnes, Protective Frigga, SHIELD, Single Parents, Terminal Illnesses, Thor Is Not Stupid, Unplanned Pregnancy, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-22
Updated: 2018-02-26
Packaged: 2018-04-05 14:19:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 35,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4183041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jenn0509/pseuds/Jenn0509
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He should have left, kept her safe by keeping distance between them, but he found himself standing right in front of her, skimming one hand along her shoulders and across her collarbone. “You’re so beautiful.”</p><p>“Hard to imagine I’m dying, right?” Ella whispered, grabbing his hand when he went to pull it away, “Come on, James. Yes, I’m dying, but if I’m not living to the fullest then I’m already dead. Life’s not about just surviving. It’s about living!”<br/>----------------<br/>The last time Jane saw her untamable best friend, they were headed to opposite sides of the globe. Six years later they were reunited, the other woman accompanied by a young boy who looked just like the God of Mischief.</p><p>Ella was dying, and Jane and the Avengers were her best bet to keeping her unusual child safe when she finally died. She didn't expect to be brought into a new family, and life surprised her once again when a new man came into her life.</p><p>That man was lost in time, but couldn't seem to pull himself away from the pretty gal who called him James. When he's with Ella, he could just be James, he didn't have to worry about the blond man who'd called him "Bucky". The man that…somehow…he'd known.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Elizaveta

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think of this story, I've got about half of the whole thing written, but I'm always open to suggestions!

The Stark security guard looked skeptically at the woman in front of him. “What can I do for you?”

She took a deep breath, and his hand twitched on his gun, “Can you please tell Dr. Jane Foster that Ella Dubois is here to see her? She’ll know my name. We grew up together.”

The skeptical look didn’t leave his face as he radioed the message into the tower. Stark Tower to be precise. There was a few minutes of garbled static on the radio, and Ella could feel her palms starting to sweat. Her right one though, cooled quickly. She spared a smile down to the little figure at her side. Logan smiled back, his tiny hand gripping hers tighter. “I’m doing the right thing.” Ella told herself, apparently saying it aloud when she got another glare from the guard.

The door behind him swung open, and Jane appeared. “Ella!”

“Janie!” Ella cried in relief. The women embraced, and Ella sagged against her old friend in relief, “I’m so glad you’re here.”

Jane nodded enthusiastically, “Visiting for the week, actually. God, Ella, it’s been what, five years? How’ve you been?”

Ella stepped back, pulling Logan gently from his place behind her, “Six, and uh... I’ve been busy, actually.”

Jane lowered herself to the little boy’s level. “Hey, handsome. I’m Jane.”

“Logan.” The boy whispered, blue eyes taking in every one of Jane’s kind features.

Jane chortled, “He’s a little doll, Ella.”

“He’s the light of my world.” She answered honestly, before an odd look came upon her face, “Actually, that’s why I wanted to talk to you. About him.”

Jane frowned, “Okay, let’s go upstairs, don’t want little Logan here getting a cold from this nasty wind.”

Ella didn’t correct her. Didn’t tell her that the only ones getting a cold would be the two of them and the security guard with the stick up his ass. Ella talked Logan through the whole entrance to Stark Tower, and Jane couldn’t help but wish she’d learned French from her friend way back in their elementary days.

Ella didn’t speak English again until she and Jane were in a sitting room, Logan sitting contently on his mother’s lap, playing with strands of her dark chocolate brown hair, “Jane, you were involved in all that Norse god stuff, weren’t you?”

For an instant, Jane considered lying, but something in her gut told her not to, “I’ve actually been living in Asgard. Thor and I are together.”

Ella smiled, “Is it true that Thor’s brother, the one they call Loki, controls ice powers?”

“Yes. Ella, why are you asking all this?” Jane questioned.

Ella kissed the side of Logan’s head, whispering to him in French, “Afficher Tante Jane la glace, ma chérie. “ (Show Aunt Jane the ice, sweetie.)

Logan frowned at his mother, “Maman, j’ai peur!” (Mommy, I’m scared!)

Ella hugged him tightly before setting him on his feet, ushering him towards Jane. ”N'ayez pas peur, bébé. Maman est ici. Je ne laisserai pas te faire du mal.” (Don’t be afraid, baby. Mommy is here, I won’t let them hurt you.)

Logan held a hand out to Jane, and she took it. His fingers were ice-cold. He pulled back, and a small bird was sitting on her palm, made of ice. Upon seeing her stare in disbelief at the ice, Logan ran back to his mother’s side. Ella pulled the boy back into her lap, brushing his dark hair away from his face. “Did I do good?” He asked.

Ella kissed his forehead, “Yes, ma chérie, you did.” Ella met Jane’s eyes, “That’s why I need your help. We’ve been managing fine on our own, but last week, Logan got upset at preschool and one of his classmates got hurt. I realized I was in deeper than I’d thought. I don’t know how to help him control whatever this is. I was hoping your Thor might know someone who could help.” Ella averted her green eyes.

Jane narrowed hers, “Ella, what aren’t you telling me?”

“I named Logan after his father, but I don’t think his name was really Logan.” Ella worried with a button on Logan’s shirt. “Dark hair, dangerous aura, beautiful eyes. I never really put it together until I saw all that stuff in New York. Logan looks more like him than me anyway.”

Jane stared at the little boy, he seemed too sweet to possibly be Loki’s kid, but Ella was right. The dark hair, sharp little cheekbones, and pale complexion made him look like a tiny version of Loki. The green shirt he had on helped too. He looked like Ella though, past the features that were obviously Loki’s. “Where in the world did you cross paths with him?” Jane asked.

Ella shrugged, “I was visiting my mother in France, and I went into Paris for an exhibition of some artifacts I uncovered. He was there, very charming, I’d had a few drinks, and one thing led to another. We had breakfast the next morning, and then we parted ways. My first clue that he wasn’t who he said he was came when despite the fact that I’ve been on the pill since I was fifteen and he used condoms, I still got pregnant.” Ella squeezed Logan, “I was in love with this little guy before I even saw him though.”

Jane tucked those details into the back of her mind. “Has he been healthy here?”

Ella nodded, “Yeah, after the first craziness. I was in labor for fifteen hours, and when he was finally born, the cord was wrapped around his neck and he was blue. I was scared to death, and my parents got stuck in a snow storm, so I was by myself.”

“The blue was probably because of Loki.” Jane offered.

“So I’ve learned, but back then, it terrified me because I thought my baby was dying.” Ella nuzzled her little boy, tickling him. “He’s fine now though, and I love the little terror.”

Logan giggled, visibly pleased to be called a terror. “Je t'aime, Maman.”

Ella rolled her eyes, “I wanted him to be bilingual, but he’d rather speak French all the time than English. That’s the first reason his preschool teachers dislike him.” She peered into Logan’s eyes, “What’s the second reason, ma chérie?”

He giggled again, “‘Cause I’m smarter than everyone else.”

“Exactly!” Ella chirped, shooting a wry look at Jane, “He’s just as much of a know it all as we were.”

“Heaven forbid.” Jane laughed, “I know our teachers hoped we’d never reproduce.”

“Do you have any yet?” Ella asked, resting her chin on Logan’s shoulder.

Jane sighed, “Not yet. We still haven’t figured out living arrangements, so no kids until we’ve got that settled.”

Logan whispered into his mother’s ear, and Ella shot Jane an apologetic look, “There wouldn’t happen to be anything he could munch on, would there? Logan’s hungry, and I ran out of snacks for him on the trip here.”

Jane stood, eyeing the little boy. “Yeah, I think so. We’ll have to go up into Tony’s apartment though. So, uh, just prepare to field a lot of inquiry.”

“I’m a single mother, Jane. I’m used to all sorts of questions.” Ella retorted.

“Fair enough.” Jane said, gesturing for them to follow her from the tiny conference room.

Jane and Ella reminisced while Logan munched on a bunch of grapes Jane had managed to find in the common fridge. She hadn’t been shopping since she’d come back from Asgard to have food in the fridge in the wing she and Thor shared. In the years that they’d been apart, Jane was pleased to find that Ella had changed very little.

She was curvier, a result of having a child, but she was the same snarky archaeologist Jane remembered. “So we’re in the middle of the African jungle, and Logan here sits, I kid you not, in the middle of a bunch of gorilla. He’s two years old, I’m freaking out, and he’s just laughing at the funny looking people. Our guide took pity on me and got him out. I kept him on one of those kiddie leashes for a year after.” Ella kissed the side of Logan’s head, “Too curious for my blood.”

Logan wasn’t paying attention to them any more though. The Avengers had returned. “Maman!” He chirped, flinging himself from her lap, tugging on her hands, “That’s Iron Man!”

Tony’s mask flipped away from his face and he peered down at the little boy, “JARVIS, who is this?”

Ella started when a voice filtered through the air. “Logan Emile Dubois. Aged five, born January 19, 2011 to Elizaveta Marguerite Dubois in Boston.”

Tony quirked an eyebrow at Ella, “Elizaveta?”

She laughed nervously, hands on Logan’s shoulders to keep him close, “Please, call me Ella.”

Jane touched her friend’s shoulder comfortingly, “We met in kindergarten, and I’m the one who insisted we all call her Ella so she would have a four letter name like mine.”

Ella laughed again, less tense, but her hold on Logan remained. She was fine with telling Jane about him, but that was because she’d known Jane most of her life. Jane she trusted, the others...she would only trust them if Jane did. She forced herself to speak, “We were best friends after that. She saved me from a lifetime of torture, really. Although to this day, my mother still calls me Elizaveta.” 

Jane made a face, “That’s because your mother is the most stuck up obnoxious person I’ve ever met.”

Ella nodded, “True, I don’t know how my father’s put up with her all these years.”

“That’s easy, he’s a saint.” Jane supplied, looking again at Tony, “Like Pepper.”

Tony’s irritation faded, “Yes, Pepper.” He narrowed his eyes at Jane an instant later, “Are you calling me stuck up?”

Jane and Ella laughed, the astrophysicist saying, “Your words, not mine, Tony!”

Natasha straggled in afterwards, Clint at her side, “Are we doing field trips now?” Logan gazed up at her in adoration though, and she gave him a slight smile, “Cool it, kid, we’re not all glitz and glamor.” She said as she stretched out an aching muscle in her neck.

“Vous êtes cheveux est assez.” Logan said softly. (You have pretty red hair.)

Natasha looked down at him in surprise. “Merci. Vous parlez français?” (Thank you. You speak French?)

Ella waved a hand, getting her attention, “I’m a polyglot. I thought teaching him French this young would be a great idea. He’s fluent in both, but really doesn’t like speaking English anymore. We’re trying to break that habit.”

Natasha raised an eyebrow, “Ah!” She smiled at Logan, getting down on one knee to be more on his level. “I’m Natasha. What’s your name?”

He blinked rapidly a few times, “My name’s Logan.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Logan.” Natasha held out a hand, and before Ella could stop him, Logan took it, shaking gently. Surprise returned to Natasha’s face, and she jerked her eyes to Ella.

Jane reacted before Ella could, “Yeah, we should probably have a group meeting sometime tonight.”

Natasha nodded, giving Logan a weak smile and pulling Clint away. Tony stared skeptically at Jane before shaking his head, “I’m gonna get into something more comfortable.” As he clunked away in his suit he muttered, “Damn scientist.”

Ella dragged Logan into the bathroom Jane had pointed out, not eager to see the other half of the Avengers come in. She sat Logan up on the stainless steel counter top and ran her hands through her dark brown hair, pacing. Logan sensed her anxiety, “Maman? What’s wrong?”

Ella forced a smile, ceasing her pacing, and brushing some of Logan’s black hair out of his face, “Nothing, ma chérie, nothing.”

He put a hand on her forehead, “Are you feeling icky again?”

She shook her head. “No, not right now.”

“Sure?” He questioned.

She kissed his cheek, “I’m sure, Lo.”

He looked sullen, “Wish I coul’ make you better.”

Ella grabbed him in a tight hug, pressing her face into the top of his head, “Oh, ma chérie, you shouldn’t have to worry about me. I’m your maman, I’m supposed to be worrying about you.”

“Je t'aime, Maman.” Logan repeated, but it was so much heavier than before.

“Always, Logan. Maman will always love you.” Ella promised, knowing she wouldn’t be there for so much in his life.

She was dying, had been for months, but her time was running out. She wouldn’t be around much longer.

She hadn’t noticed that Jane had joined them in the bathroom until the woman spoke, “What’s wrong with you, Ella?”

Ella looked over the top of Logan’s head at her longtime friend, and sighed heavily, “I’m gonna die, Jane. I have brain tumors, and they’re not going away.” She hugged her son closer to her chest, “My doctors have given me six months.” Tears filled her eyes, “I need you to take care of him when I’m gone. Please?”

Jane staggered a step back into the wall, shaking her head in disbelief, “Dying? Ella, you look fine.”

“I felt fine.” She replied, swallowing hard to keep herself together, “There was a cave in at one of the sites I was working last year, and I got hit in the head by some rock. Didn’t even really have a full blown concussion, but the insurance company required me to have a CT scan so I couldn’t sue later for an injury. The CT showed small tumors on my brain.”

“Oh, Ella. Have you gotten treatment?” Jane gasped, preparing to do everything in her power to get Ella the best treatment possible.

Ella nodded, “After the first surgery, they gave me my first diagnosis. They can keep cutting them out, but they’ll keep coming back. Glioblastoma multiforme. Radiation and chemo can extend my time by a few months, but I’d be miserably sick. If I’m going to be gone before Logan turns six, I want to die knowing that he’ll have good memories of me.” She gave Jane a broken half-smile, “Today’s a good day. Usually, I’m fighting a migraine all day, trying to keep things as normal as possible for Logan.”

“Wow.” Jane said softly.

“I’m so sorry for springing this on you. I was going to ease into all this, but you asked, and it just came out. I’m so sorry.” Ella rushed.

Jane looked from Logan to Ella, “You want me to take him?”

“Yes.” Ella confirmed, “You’re the only person I can trust to not turn him into a lab rat.”

“What about your parents?” Jane asked.

“You know Josephine didn’t even want to raise me. I’m not about to think she’d do well with Logan, especially given how...special he is. And my dad is in a nursing home, Alzheimer’s. On a good day he remembers Logan and I exist. Once the tumors get too big I’ll probably be in the same boat. My father will outlive me.” Ella sighed heavily, “It’s all screwed up.”

Jane hugged her old friend, “God, Ella, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay. I mean, I don’t want to die, and I hate seeing my dad like that, but I’ve grieved my due. It’s all about Logan now. It has to be.” Ella said honestly, ruffling her son’s black hair.

“I’ll do what I can. I think right now though, we need to let the rest of the team in on what’s happening.” Jane told her.

Ella nodded, “Okay, but I won’t let anyone use him like some over grown lab rat. He’s a little boy, and all I want for him is to be a little boy.”

“They won’t.” Jane assured her, noticing all the little things about Ella that had changed but she just hadn’t noticed. The whole left side of her face was just ever so slightly limp. She was so beautiful that it wasn’t really noticeable, but when one went looking for signs, it was obvious. That, and when she reached to pick Logan up, she skimmed her hands down from his shoulders to his waist before she lifted him off the countertop, indicating that her depth perception had already been permanently affected. She settled him onto her right hip, her stronger side, and followed Jane out.


	2. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get a little more intense here!

\-----------------  
They ended up in a circle in the living room of Tony’s penthouse, Logan seated on Ella’s knees and Jane next to her. Ella’s right hand fidgeted nervously with Logan’s hands and the other set to smoothing invisible wrinkles on her pants.

Thor was staring at Logan far closer than the others were. Ella seemed more threatening than a tiny little boy. Logan kept trying to slide to the floor, finally getting restless. It actually relieved Jane to see him acting like a normal five year old. She’d been a little wary with how mature he was acting. Ella must have bribed him. He groaned, throwing himself out like a starfish with his head back on Ella’s shoulder, moaning piteously, “Maman!”

Ella grimaced, but curled herself around him, forcing him back into her lap, and muttering into his ear in French. Natasha chuckled at whatever she said, and Ella smiled at them all, “Sorry, he can only play ‘Big kid’ for so long.” She reached into the bag she’d brought in with her and handed him a Rubix Cube, “Logan, un peu plus, d'accord? Je dois parler à nos nouveaux amis.” (Logan, just a little bit longer, okay? I need to talk to our new friends.)

The little boy nodded, but sank to the floor anyway, totally fixated on solving the puzzle in his hands, his feet ticking side to side to some imagined rhythm. Ella started messing with his black hair again to keep herself calm.

“He looks just like my brother.” Thor finally said, his voice thick.

“Yeah, he does.” Ella whispered, but the sweet way Logan was leaning against her leg, pressing his face against her calf while he focused on the cube, wasn’t anything like what they’d ever seen from Loki. “I’m dying. I’ve asked Jane to take care of him, but she’s like me. There’s nothing special about us but our minds. We are achingly human, and he is not. So, I need to ask you all: Will you help take care of him?”

Bruce was the first to speak, “What sort of abilities does he have?”

Ella smiled proudly, “He’s brilliant, for one.” The Rubix Cube was passed back to her and she smoothly passed him a 5X5 version, putting the now solved original one back in her bag. “He’s cold, all the time, he never gets sick, and the ice. The older he gets, the stronger it seems to be. It mostly comes when he’s upset, but he can do some pretty cool things if he focuses, which is harder than it seems. He gets bored easily.” She sighed, “I’m really, very impressed with how quiet he’s been since we got here.” Logan looked up at her then, and she frowned at his mischievous expression, “Oh, ma chérie, don’t you dare start now.” He grinned at her, but returned to solving the puzzle, concentration etched on his face.

“His French is very good.” Natasha commented, honestly impressed due to how young he was.

“I’d like to think he gets that from me. There’s something so invigorating about learning a new language.” Ella said brightly, “His Latin could use some more work, but he’s just as fluent in French as he is in English. At this point I’ve introduced Mandarin Chinese just to have the non-Roman alphabet make him struggle a little.” She grimaced, “Actually it just frustrates us both. Mandarin is, admittedly, not my strongest language.”

“I would like to teach him Norse.” Thor said softly, his low voice rumbling.

Logan’s eyes jerked up to his de facto uncle, and he smiled, “You don’t hate me?”

Thor didn’t seem to understand the child’s words, “Why would I hate you, little one?”

Logan shrugged, looking back at the puzzle, “Everyone hates my Father, they say so on the TV. He’s a bad man. Maman says you his brother, but you one of the good guys. You should hate me.”

Thor looked crushed, and glared at Ella. She held her hands up, “I know. Trust me, I’ve tried to get him to understand, but we’re both only children and I don’t really have family. It’s hard to find the right words to explain. I told him you were a good man, and you wouldn’t hate him for things his father’s done, just like I don’t. He’s stubborn though.”

“We shall teach him of family too,” Thor swore.

Jane watched the smile bloom on Ella’s face, and then the tears glistening in her eyes as she whispered a heartfelt, “Thank you,” to the man Jane loved more than anything in any world.

Logan was frowning at his mother, coming to his feet to put a hand on her face. “Maman, don’t cry.”

“Happy tears, Lo.” Ella assured him, but they all saw, when a tear fell off her face and froze against his skin before falling to the floor.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea for him to stay here.” Steve said, finally speaking for the first time in their presence.

Natasha scoffed, “Seriously?”

Steve nodded, “Ella’s right, he needs more than she can provide, but the same can be said about us. They should go to Asgard. None of us can teach him to control the ice powers because we don’t have them. That seems to be the biggest issue. If he had control over himself, then I’d say we’d be well suited to the task of helping Miss. Jane with him. As it is, we can’t allow him to possibly hurt the people in this city we are supposed to be protecting.”

The Avengers started talking over one another, but Jane and Thor spoke softly to one another, the God’s loud voice breaking the others apart, “He is correct. Logan may have use of more of my brother’s powers, and he should be taught how to use them where he does not have to fear harming anyone. We will take them both to Asgard, if you all would give Jane and I leave for a while.”

“How did you meet Loki anyway?” Natasha asked.

Ella grimaced, glad that Logan had fallen asleep, “At a Paris museum display of artifacts I discovered in the Alps six years ago.”

“JARVIS, pull up video. Wind it up right before Rock of Ages shows up.” Tony ordered.

Ella stiffened for a half second before realizing that the video surveillance was in black and white. She wasn’t going to be outed yet. Instead she watched herself standing in a sleek gown in front of the display of the artifacts she had uncovered. She watched herself reach out to touch one of the items with one finger before jerking it back and clutching her hand against her chest, looking around nervously.

Loki entered the bottom of the frame and Ella bolted to the stairs. There were, apparently cameras in the stairwell, showing that he had moved impossibly fast to be in the doorway right behind her.

She trembled, visibly gasping, her eyes wide in fear. Loki took her hand in his, and they spoke for a few minutes, him stroking her arms like he was soothing a cat. It looked patronizing, but Ella knew what they couldn’t really see. They couldn’t see that the skin of her hand had turned pale blue when she’d touched the artifact and had spread to almost her whole body when he had touched her. She’d never been so thankful that the black and white video merely made it look like the shadows had increased in the frame. The Ella from six years ago slowly relaxed, stepping closer to him before grasping his hand firmly and leading him up the stairs. 

JARVIS stopped the tape, “They went to Dr. Dubois’ room directly, sir, no video, naturally.”

Jane scowled at her friend, “That was quick, even for you, El. And why did you look so upset?”

“Yes, I jumped the gun taking him to bed, but you’re not going to like why.” Ella whispered, unhappy that this had suddenly become all about her.

Jane knew her too well, “What were you doing, Ella?”

“I was trying to figure out if I was going to kill myself or not.” She blurted.

“What?” Jane gasped in disbelief.

Ella shrugged, “I was twenty six years old and I had nothing. Sure, I had a doctorate and a fair bit of renown, but there were only three people that would have given a crap about what happened to me. You, Erik, and my father. My father was already forgetting me every other day and you and Erik weren’t around to miss me. I’d been alone on that last expedition for too long and I couldn’t shake the depression. I was in a senselessly dark place, Jane, I’m not proud of it, but I haven’t been there since. I was really considering taking my life because I felt like I didn’t matter. It didn’t help that I was pretty well on my way to being thoroughly drunk that night. For all he’s done, Loki saved my life. He made me feel special, and even though he left the next morning, I felt better.”

Tony was staring at the frozen screen though, “This was Christmas 2009. You’re telling me you were pregnant for over a year.”

Ella nodded, “Yeah, thirteen months. I didn’t even realize I was pregnant until I was at a site in Bali in April 2010. I’ve been on birth control since I was fifteen, so I wasn’t really expecting to get pregnant. I kept my head in the sand, but when I’d puked my guts up for three months straight, I decided I’d finally picked up some deadly foreign disease. As soon as I got back to the States, I found a doctor and got a full work up.”

“That sounds insane, Ella.” Jane protested, feeling sick at just the thought of being pregnant for that long.

“Tell me about it.” Ella said with an overwhelmed laugh, “I’m sure you can dig up some medical records for when I went to the doctor, he was astounded when I told him that I’d just realized I hadn’t had a period in over four months. He told me I was barely eleven weeks pregnant and the baby looked just fine, but I knew I hadn’t been with anyone since that night. At that point, we should have looked like I was sixteen weeks pregnant, not eleven. Naturally, I bolted, hid in one of my parents vacation houses.” She trailed off, feeling a bit like she might be getting ready to faint.

“El?” Jane prompted.

Ella took a deep breath, ignoring the unpleasant sensation. “Yeah, so I was hiding out, still puking my guts out and being exhausted all the time, when it all stopped. I suddenly had a ton of energy and a tiny baby bump. That’s pretty much indisputable proof, you know? The next doctor I went to told me I was seventeen weeks pregnant when I knew I had to be at least twenty-four. That doctor said everything looked normal, but I realized at that point that I really wasn’t having a normal baby. That doctor showed Logan to me on a sonogram though, and I just didn’t care.”

Jane smiled at her friend, seeing the expression on her face, “You always loved kids.”

“Yup, and I saw him on that little screen, and that was it, I was in love.” Ella said, leaning over to kiss the top of her son’s head, “Sure, I was terrified the whole time and freaky paranoid, but for him it was worth it. I was never with a doctor long enough for them to notice how slowly he was developing. He was born in Boston with the help of doctor number seven...or eight if you count the one I went to to get tested in the first place. He was blue for like twenty seconds, but the doctors blamed that on oxygen deprivation, thank God.”

Tony snorted, “You may have gotten knocked up by the God of Mischief, but at least you’re smart enough to not get scooped up by a government agency.”

Ella looked at him with cold green eyes, “Mr. Stark, I’m highly intelligent and I was adopted. Fear of the government is sort of ingrained. And from the instant I knew he existed, Logan became my life. I won’t let anyone hurt him. I don’t care about your feelings for his father because I don’t have any myself.” She heard Jane hiss her name to quiet her, but she barreled on, “I’m grateful to him for giving me Logan, but that’s it. That’s how I felt before I knew he was a mass murderer. Now, I care even less.”

“He is my brother.” Thor said firmly, trying to keep his temper under control.

Ella sighed in frustration, but gave the large man a small sympathetic smile, “I get that, I do, but I’m Logan’s mother. Right now, Loki is a danger to my son, an unknown. You want to take him to Asgard, which is admirable, but we won’t stay there. I have no interest in living my final days someplace else, and Logan belongs here on Earth. Perhaps we can arrange visits?”

Thor nodded, watching the care Ella took to rearrange a sleeping Logan so he wouldn’t wake up sore. She was a young mother, but she seemed more than capable. “That would be acceptable.” He acquiesced, “That will allow me to continue aiding the rest of you here.”

Ella gave him a grateful smile, running her fingers through Logan’s dark hair, “Thank you, Thor. It means a lot.” She looked across them all, “Is there someplace nearby where I can rent an apartment?”

Tony shrugged, “You can stay here, Model-girl.”

That caught Ella off guard, “Really?

“Yeah, we can always use more pretty ladies around here at Stark Tower.” He said cockily, shoving a handful of raisins into his mouth.

Jane touched her arm, “They can help take care of you too here.”

Ella sighed, “Sounds like what they told me at the nursing home my father’s in.”

“May I ask,” Bruce began, “what is it that you’re dying of?”

“Glioblastoma multiforme.” She said simply.

He grimaced, “I’m sorry.”

Again she shrugged, “It is what it is.” Logan stirred, and she met his bleary eyes with hers, “Good nap, ma chérie?” He hummed in agreement, stretching again and climbing into her lap so he could press his face into her shoulder. Ella looked at Bruce, “If you wouldn’t mind helping me keep myself together as long as possible?”

“Of course.” He said instantly when she flicked her eyes down to her son. It made perfect sense. She appeared to be a relentlessly devoted mother, it was obvious that she didn’t want him to witness her eventual decline. And it would be a steep decline, he could tell just by the way she moved that she was already being physically affected.

Ella smiled, feeling her face get clammy, but ignoring the feeling in favor of thanking him again.

“Whatever you need.” Bruce said quietly, staring at Ella. “Are you alright?”

She shook her head slowly, pushing Logan away from her chest, slurring, “‘Bout to faint.”

A split second later, Ella’s eyes rolled back in her head and she fell backwards against the chair she’d been perched on the edge of.

“Maman!” Logan screamed, but Thor had scooped him up while Bruce and Jane descended on Ella moments before she began seizing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter Logan meets his father for the first time!


	3. Janie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony and Ella party like there's no tomorrow, and Loki finds out he has a son.

Three hours later, Jane was staring at Ella’s MRI with tears in her eyes while the other woman was regaining consciousness, “Jane?”

Jane wiped her face furiously before turning to look at her friend, “Hey, glad to see you’re awake.”

Ella laughed weakly, “You mean glad to see I remember who you are.”

Jane choked on a laugh, “Yeah, that too.”

“Where’s Logan?” Ella asked, straining to move her weak body enough to survey the room.

Jane gestured to the hallway, “Thor’s bonding with his nephew. They’re already thick as thieves.”

Ella smiled crookedly, “Good, that’s really good.”

“You feeling okay?” Jane asked carefully.

“Considering my brain is turning into swiss cheese, I feel wonderful.” Ella glanced up at the IV bag draining slowly into her body, “Damn, what have you lot got me on?”

“We’re doing our best to make you comfortable after your seizure.” Bruce explained, entering the room, “Does your head hurt?”

“No, not right now. My muscles are kind of sore, but that’s expected. Been a couple of months since I had one. Usually I'm in all sorts of pain and fucking nauseated. Your drug cocktail is taking care of all that though.” Ella chuckled, gazing at the IV bag again, “I’m about two milligrams away from being completely high, thanks. Reminds me of Jane and I during college.”

Jane made a stricken whine, “Ella!”

“Oh, come on, Jane, least I can do before I kick the bucket is tease you for old times sake. I am basically your only friend from back then.” Ella told her, finally gaining enough strength to pull the left side of her face up into the grin.

Jane sighed, but smiled, “I’ve missed you.”

“Missed you too.” Ella said softly, glancing out the conference room turned hospital room’s window and catching a glimpse of her son riding on Thor’s broad shoulders, “He’ll make a great dad one day, Janie.” She locked eyes with her friend, “You make sure my little man has lots of cousins to run around with, okay? No squirreling out. You can be a mother and still be brilliant.” She ended with a groan, holding her hand out to Jane, “Get me up, I don’t like him seeing me down any longer than necessary.”

“Ella, you can’t keep this up forever.” Jane said softly, but she obliged her friend.

Ella gave her a small lopsided smile once she was vertical again, “I know, Jane. I wouldn’t be here if I could.”

“You’re an incredibly strong young woman.” Bruce said, glancing at the devastating MRI.

“Determination and good drugs.” She replied easily. “I’m assuming you found my stash?”

Bruce nodded, gesturing to a pile of pill bottles on the counter, “Yes, and you’re on quite the cocktail.”

“Better than dying after chemo and radiation.” She said, sliding the needle out of her arm expertly.

Bruce shrugged, “I could probably rework some of this stuff. Buy you more functional time by slowing the cancer growth.”

Ella stared at him, “Guess it’s not FDA approved, but I’ll go for it.” She grinned, “I’ve got nothing to lose except my hair.”

“You do love your hair though, El.” Jane said teasingly.

Ella laughed at her friend, “I do, but they make great wigs these days. I could finally be a blonde.”

Jane rolled her eyes, “You would hate that.”

Ella laughed again, pulling her hair up into a ponytail, “Yes I would.” She hopped off the table and took a split second to get her bearings before leaving the room, “Mon chéri!”

Logan scrambled down Thor and ran at his mother, “Maman!”

She kissed his cheeks, “I’m so sorry, Lo. Did I scare you?”

“Just a little.” He admitted before smiling brightly, “Uncle Thor is cool, Maman!”

She had to laugh at him, “I’m so glad.”

She heard Bruce speaking to Jane behind her, even though they were too far away and speaking too low for her to have ever heard them, “There’s no way she should be up already. A seizure like that should have had her laid out for days, if not a whole week, but she’s acting like she just fainted because she missed a meal.”

“She’s normal, Bruce. I don’t know medicine like you do, but I was with her when she broke her arm in the seventh grade. Compound fracture, she bled everywhere, and it was disgusting. She had a cast on for over two months, completely normal.” Jane assured him.

Ella shook the nerves off, forcing her attention back to her son. She’d be dead before they figured out her secret, and with any luck, they’d drop it once she was dead and focus on Logan.

Logan trailed an icy hand along her wrist, leaving a detailed bracelet of ice in his path, modeled after one of her favorite bracelets. “For you, Maman.”

Ella smiled at him, “Oh, mon chéri, thank you.” She had to break the ice off her wrist a couple of minutes later though so no one would notice how her skin didn’t turn pink from the cold like it should have.

She could remember nights out during high school with Jane in too tight skirts, layers of makeup, fake ID’s, and too much alcohol. She could also remember them freezing their assess off walking back to her house where her father was always there to pick the two girls up off the porch and tuck them into bed on the sofa. Of course she would never forget all the nights spent bundled up on the roof of their college dorm while Jane stared at the sky through her telescopes.

Ella had been mostly immune to cold since she’d met Loki though, and it was then a matter of just covering her fingers up with gloves to hide the fact that when they got really really cold, they turned blue. She was wary of living in New York for that reason, but over the last six years, she’d managed to get a handle on the change, enough to know when she needed to start rubbing her hands to warm them.

Logan ran back to Thor and she sat in the nearest chair, focusing on not fainting from exhaustion. She put on a good show, but it was all for Logan. Really, she just wanted to be laid up in the bed still. He was the only reason she was still alive, truthfully. Without Logan she would have killed herself the day after the doctors had told her there was nothing they could do to save her life.

She couldn’t shake the feeling that he knew though, and it killed her. Sometimes her little boy looked at her with far too adult tense expressions on his face, and he’d mostly stopped letting his seemingly boundless energy fuel misbehavior. Ella didn’t want that for him. She wanted him to be a little boy, not a witness to every second of her slow decline to the grave. Seeing him with Thor eased a tension she hadn’t realized she’d been clinging to. He’d be okay, and maybe, before she died, she’d get to see her son truly be a carefree little boy again.

“El, you feeling okay?” Jane asked, sitting on the large chair beside her.

Ella nodded, curling into Jane’s side, “Just tired.”

Jane held her tightly, wondering how she had ever let so long pass without contacting the only person who knew her better than Darcy did. She had to wonder, would she have even known that Ella was sick if Logan hadn’t been in the picture? Probably not.

It had been over six years since they’d seen each other, but sitting so closely together it felt like no time had passed at all. That was what twenty years of friendship could do.

And then Ella opened her mouth and Jane was reminded of all the anxiety that had come with being Ella’s best friend, “There anything to drink around here?”

Jane scowled, “You shouldn’t drink on those medications, Ella.”

Ella scoffed, seemingly getting a second wind, “Come on, Jane, not like cirrhosis will kill me any faster.” She ticked her head towards Logan, “He’ll be fast asleep in ten minutes, and we need to celebrate our reunion.”

Jane groaned, “Ella, no.”

Ella kissed her on the cheek, “Come on, Jane, live a little. I promise I won’t let you start stripping like you did that one time at that one fraternity I dragged you to.”

Ten minutes later, true to her intuition, Logan was fast asleep and tucked into a spare bedroom. Ella was mixing drinks. Jane was pacing nervously, after JARVIS had refused to ask Tony for permission to use the bar. “You are such a bad influence.”

Ella grinned at her, just like the old days, “I know, Janie, but otherwise you’re a stick in the mud.” She held a drink out to her friend, “Here, it’s your favorite.”

It was, and Jane stared at her, “How could you possibly remember that?”

Her comment bought her another infectious grin, “A really bad pneumonic you wouldn’t appreciate.”

“You’re terrible.” Jane said as Ella knocked back a shot.

Ella made a face as the alcohol burned down her throat, but then laughed, “I know, Janie, but I’ve got a lot to celebrate.”

Tony joined them, and he and Ella went toe to toe with their banter and drinking. Jane was satisfied to watch, but almost wished she hadn’t. Ella was putting on a show, but it was a facade of the party girl she used to be. Every sip of alcohol was followed by at least five sips of water, and usually a handful of whatever food Tony had pulled from somewhere that they kept passing back and forth. She was keeping a clear head but acting like she was sloshed, and Jane could tell.

The party came to a halt when JARVIS informed them that Logan was awake. Ella appeared to sober in an instant, kneeling in front of her child when he wandered sleepily into the room, “Mon chéri, you should be sleeping. Were we too loud? I'm sorry.”

He shook his head, “Bad dreams, Maman.”

Ella picked him up, but had to let her hip thunk against the wall to keep herself from falling over completely as she cooed to him, “You’re safe, my love. It was just a dream. There are no monsters here, I promise.”

That struck Jane as odd, that Ella was speaking like she knew what Logan’s dream had been about. She wasn’t a mother, but she was pretty sure that kids had crazy dreams all the time and that they were usually different.

Ella got him back to sleep and gave a small smile to the rest of them, “Think I’ll go to bed now too. Thank you all so much. This was more than I could have dreamed it would be.”

“Goodnight, El.” Jane whispered under Thor’s barely hushed pleasantries.

Ella was up late the next morning, but it appeared that she and Logan had both taken advantage of the large bathroom attached to the room they’d spent the night in. Ella had dressed her son in more casual clothes, and was in the process of pulling his hair back into a ponytail while he kept walking.

Tony scowled, “A ponytail?”

Ella laughed sarcastically, “Try cutting his hair, I dare you.”

Logan wasn’t interested in their conversation though, and as soon as Ella let him go, he was launching himself across the room and screaming, “Uncle Thor!”

“Little one!” Thor boomed, causing everyone but uncle and nephew to flinch.

Ella certainly looked better, more herself, and had her long hair tossed back in a ponytail too, letting it curl around her shoulders. “Had to hunt down Dr. Banner for my meds, but now I’m really hoping for some breakfast.”

“Check the kitchen, El.” Jane told her, cautioning Thor to be careful with Logan.

“Relax, Janie, he’s fine. My little man can take a licking and keep on ticking. He climbed a tree while we were in Africa, and he fell from twenty feet up. Naturally I freaked out, but he was totally fine, just a tiny scrape on his knee that healed in like a half hour.” Ella said dismissively, but kept an eye on them as she ate a bowl of cereal. “Remind me to go to the Société Générale today.”

“Doing some banking, Miss Dubois?” Tony commented, snatching the box of cereal away from his new party pal.

Ella nodded, “Going to transfer most of my funds to Jane.” She looked over her shoulder at her friend, “Janie, I’ll need your banking information, by the way.”

“Banking? What?” Jane squawked.

Ella was unperturbed, “You’re taking my son, you’re taking my money too. I’ve set up a smaller fund to take care of my father and to give me some spending money until I kick the bucket, but the rest is yours now Jane.”

“Ella, no!” Jane begged, horrified.

“What’s the matter? She not have enough to feed herself?” Tony snarked.

Ella shook her head, “Oh no, Mr. Stark. I was a trust fund baby who went on to make a name for herself. I’m worth quite a lot. Not as much as you, I’m sure, but more than enough to give Jane everything she needs to let my son have everything he wants.” She added to Jane, “Within reason, Janie, of course. Don’t spoil him too badly. My father believed in moderation, and I turned out just fine.”

“Ella you can’t give me all that.” Jane protested.

“Yes, I can Jane. You can use some of it for your research if you'd like. If it makes you feel better though, I’ll put a couple million in an account for Logan to get when he turns twenty-one.” Ella replied easily, ending the conversation by walking over to Thor.

“Lady Ella?” He said, pausing with Logan hanging from one of his tree-trunk thick arms.

“Hiya, monkey.” She said to Logan, touching the tip of his nose with a finger before turning her attention back to Thor, “I’m feeling good today. I’d like to see the father of my child on a good day, so I can look more intimidating when I lay down the laws on what he can and cannot teach our son to do.”

“You are fierce, Lady Ella.” Thor said, lowering Logan to the ground, “We will leave for Asgard as soon as you ladies and my nephew are appropriately dressed. I will prepare for our departure at once, and procure a tunic for.”

Ella watched him leave the room, aghast, “Appropriately dressed?” She looked to Jane, “More toga party of ’02 or Halloween of ’05?”

“Roman. With more glitz” Jane replied.

“I’ve got just the thing then.” Ella said, grateful that someone had brought her things from the hotel she and Logan had been staying at. The particular dress she had in mind had been a gift from her father to wear at her first exhibit opening. On the chance that she might meet her son’s grandparents, it was modest, but all the deep blue dress was lacking was actual armor to make her look battle ready. The satin ribbon that sat at her waist softened it though.

Jane stared at her when she emerged, and shook her head, “Ella, when on earth did you think you’d need to wear something like that?”

“It’s New York, Jane. I’m not dead yet.” She snapped back, making a face at her friend. "Besides, it packs well."

Thor had redressed Logan, and the four of them set off, Jane explaining the physics of what to Ella and Logan was simply magic. Like he had when they’d entered Stark Tower, Logan clung to his mother’s hand tightly. They were going straight to Loki, Thor explained, because he wasn’t sure his father would let them do so if they asked permission first.

Ella was in agreement. They needed Loki. He had to teach his son control before their son started hurting people. She really didn’t want to get into an altercation with her son’s grandparents that would probably result in her even more premature demise, but it was imperative that Logan meet his father. She kept herself focused on following Thor, resisting the urge to go nuts over the madness of being on another planet. Hopefully she’d have time for a thorough examination of it all later.

“Remember, he cannot harm you.” Thor reminded her as they went farther into the gilded dungeons.

She could feel Loki’s presence, deep in her bones, just like she had the night he’d found her. Beside her Logan gripped his mother tighter, no doubt feeling the magic much more strongly than she was.

“Hello, Loki.” She said fearlessly, standing in front of the glass Thor gestured to, that went from a glittering gold opaque to clear in an instant.

The dark haired man inside the cell jumped to his feet, “Ella?”

The beautiful half-human smiled at him through the glass, “You remember my name. Good, that’ll make this easier.”

Then he saw the tiny figure at her side, and felt his skin pale, “Surtur’s sweaty orbs.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anything you guys want to read about with Logan and Loki meeting?


	4. Father

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki and Logan meet, plus a more colorful version of the night Loki & Ella met.

Loki looked awful.

He was paler than she remembered, his face wane, but she got a sick satisfaction when he got even paler when he saw Logan. “Loki, this is Logan, your son.”

“My son?” Loki spluttered out, but it was undeniable. The child looked just like him, and Loki could feel the magic pouring from him.

And Ella, she was just as he remembered her, beautiful, and totally in denial about who and what she was. He hadn’t thought about the young woman in years, but he still vividly remembered the night he’d met her.

He had gone to Earth to share his condolences with Thor in the middle of nowhere New Mexico, and after, he’d gone to France to investigate the possibility of some Asgardian artifacts being found. When he arrived, however, he knew. The artifacts certainly weren’t of Midgard, but they weren’t of Asgard either. They were of Jötunheim. Unfortunately, the artifacts were on display by the time he arrived to take them back, and he’d been trying to decide wether to kill them all when he’d seen her.

Dressed as a Midgardian, he had surveyed the gallery hall, eyes falling on a young woman with pale skin and long dark hair. He recognized her from the pamphlet that had been shoved at him when he'd come through the door, Dr. Elizaveta Dubois, the archeologist who had discovered the whole cloche of artifacts. She was quite lovely for a human, true, but it was the anxious frown on her face made him pause to watch her. She glanced around nervously, not noticing his stare, before she reached out and touched one of the artifacts with a gentle finger. She jerked back instantly, but not before he saw a now familiar blue inch up her fingers.

She hid her hand, looking around again. He had watched her closely then, while she stood there visibly distraught, he investigated her aura further. He had just determined that she herself was of Jötunheim, sensing the magic that laid untapped within her supple body, when she finally noticed that he was staring at her. 

She ran for the nearest exit, but when she flung the door open, he was right behind her, keeping the door from closing before he could join her in the tiny space. She stared at him in horror, and he smiled broadly, taking great joy in the terror his smile caused her, “Leaving so soon, Dr. Dubois?”

She trembled, a tiny gasp filling the air between them.

Elizaveta jerked back when he touched her hand and a cold spark passed between them. Loki took her hand in his anyway, and just like with the artifact, her skin changed slowly from Midgardian pink to a pale Jötunn blue along with his. “Don’t be afraid, lovely girl.” 

He could hear the thoughts in her head, the strange emotions she’d felt as a child, the fear that had filled her when she’d first uncovered the artifact that made her change, and the terror she was feeling now as she struggled uselessly against him, reeking of fear, confusion, and alcohol. “Relax, Elizaveta. There’s nothing wrong with you.”

“Why?” Was all she said, staring at their joined blue appendages, not knowing that the blue color had gone far past her arms and had started to turn her lovely face a far more becoming shade than Midgardian pink.

“You are not of Midgard. You are a daughter of Jötunheim.” He answered darkly, watching her eyes change to red as the blue creeped up her face.

She shook her head, sending dark hair skittering around her shoulders, “I don’t understand? Who’s Jötunheim? I know I’m adopted, but what? Why am I blue? Why is this happening to me? I don’t understand.”

She’d started crying, her heart hammering in her chest. Something in his chest ached to calm her, to protect the tiny bird-like creature who was standing so defenselessly in front of him. She wasn’t fully Jötunn, he could tell by the lack of raised markings on her Jötunn blue skin, which was smooth and flawless in either color. She was still a lesser being, but he was curious about how she had gone her entire life without noticing how different she was. He was also beyond curious as to how she’d ended up on Midgard. She’d said she was adopted, so apparently she knew just as little about her past as he had.

He rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand, “Jötunheim, lovely girl, is a place, not a person. You and I are the same then, both unaware of our parentage. You can trust me.”

Red stared into red, and she nodded slowly, visibly acculturating the new information to her existing bank of knowledge. “Okay.” She took a steadying breath, “I’m Ella.”

He caught himself smiling, and decided to throw a fake name out to her, just in case she opened her big mouth and talked to a friend about their interactions or something. “Logan.” He smiled at her, attempting to emulate the comforting smile Frigga had given him his entire life to cover up her disgusting lies. “You are lovely in this form, Ella.”

She took her red eyes off him and looked at the floor, “I’m not human, that’s what you’re saying, isn’t it?”

“Correct, you are something much greater.” That was mostly a lie. Just from standing with her he could tell that she had very little of the Jötunn abilities that came so naturally to him.

“I don’t feel that way.” She protested, catching him off guard. He had assumed that she had succumbed to the terrible human practice of forcing women to be weak trembling things. He saw on her face, however, that he’d been wrong. He had caught her while she was already emotional over something else, but she was shaking off the shock now, as well as the alcohol.

There was fire in her eyes, far past the red color. He used one hand to graze across her blue lower lip, “You and I have lots to discuss, lovely girl.”

She nodded sharply, an edge coming into her voice, “You bet we do.”

He surveyed the rest of her body then. She was shapely, and the green dress she wore accentuated her ample bosom, “Do you have a room, lovely girl?”

“Yes, I do.” She replied, but snapped, “And stop calling me that. I’m a woman, not a girl.” Before taking his hand more firmly and leading him up the stairs, away from the Midgardians who were left wondering where their star archaeologist had gone.

They’d spoken for hours, Ella asking question after question that he really didn’t have truthful answers to. It wasn’t long before Loki could admit to himself that he could reasonably tolerate her company. Once her initial fear had subsided, she was rather brilliant. She was in denial that she herself was at least half alien, but she seemed genuinely fascinated by him. He used that fascination to entice her into bed. And as lovely as she was as a Midgardian, as a Jötunn, she was even more beautiful. He ravished his unexpected find through the night, and even decided to eat breakfast with her in the morning before returning to Asgard.

He had never imagined that when he’d left her, he’d left a child in her womb, but the little boy currently standing at her side was without a doubt his. And the boy oozed power that wasn’t too much weaker than his own.

“Are you back now?” Ella hissed, obviously aware that he’d been distracted, thinking about the night they’d spent together.

“My son.” He repeated, staring at the young child.

“Yes.” She replied through clenched teeth.

He came to his feet, gazing down his nose at the lovely half human, “You’re full of surprises, aren’t you, my little whore?”

Ella lunged at the glass, cursing at him in what he believed was Russian. She got one good hit in before Thor caught her, too busy yelling at her to notice the glass' reaction to her touch, “Lady Ella, be calm!”

“Maman!” The boy cried, speaking for the first time.

Ella stilled, going slack against Thor’s thick arm. “I’m sorry, that was an uncalled for response. Call it six years of resentment.”

Thor warily sat her on her feet, but she was instantly on one knee in front of her son, “Logan, I’m sorry. You know Maman doesn’t always make good choices.” She touched his cheek like Frigga had touched Loki’s so many times, with a maternal care he wouldn’t have expected from the lovely girl he’d taken to bed. She had actually left scores in his back from her fingernails that night that he’d felt for days afterwards. It had been a pleasant sensation.

The boy laughed, and it made Loki’s gut clench. He sounded just like him. “You’re funny, Maman.”

Ella smiled brightly at him, “I know, mon chéri.”

The boy, Logan, turned to look at him with pale blue eyes, “Why did you leave?”

Ella sucked in a breath, ready to throw her hands over Logan’s ears if Loki started to say anything vulgar, but instead the man lowered himself to the floor so he could look more evenly into their son’s eyes, and said, “I’m a prince, I had duties else where that had to be intended to. Had I known that we were expecting you, though, I would have stayed.”

“Maman said you would have.” The boy whispered, glancing excitedly up at his mother who had stood to her full height.

That surprised Loki. He would have thought that she would have done everything possible to paint him in a bad light. But she was half Jötunn, and he knew that that part of her would take greater joy out of it if, one day, their son decided to hate him on his own, than if she planted the seeds from the beginning. That was one of the things he’d liked about her once they’d started talking. That, and she’d been the best lover he’d had in hundreds of years. Truly a dynamic woman.

“Has he been well?” Loki asked the mother of his child.

Ella nodded, “Right as rain. Nearly froze a classmate’s hand off during a temper tantrum though. I was hoping you could teach him to control his powers before he hurts someone else.”

So she wanted to keep herself a secret. Were the others really that stupid? She was clever, more clever than her friend Jane Foster gave her credit for. In those two sentences she’d told him far more than just her motives for being there. She didn’t want them to know she wasn’t fully human, and they were too stupid to figure it out. Temper tantrum. He’d been around enough children in his long life that he knew they had far more temper tantrums than not, especially during the phase the humans referred to as the ‘Terrible Twos’. Their son would have killed Ella had she been fully human. Accidentally of course, it was readily apparent that the boy adored his beautiful mother, but he still would have killed her, quite possibly while still in the womb.

When he’d found out that he was Jötunn, Loki had suddenly realized why his many conquests had never borne him children. They couldn’t. It hadn’t dawned on him that, being half Frost Giant herself, Ella might have been able to not only carry such a child to term, but then care for it as it grew.

She was stronger than he’d thought, and only he noticed the magical shimmer everywhere she and the boy-child touched one another. Her doing. Logan was too young to keep the inherent blue from spreading when in physical contact with another of his kind. She was very good, using every ounce of the magic available to her to keep her secret. She was the best he could have hoped for in a mother for his child.

“If you don’t pay closer attention to this conversation right now, we’re leaving.” Ella snapped, drawing him back out of his thoughts.

The fire in her eyes was almost attractive enough to draw his interest despite her sickly Midgardian appearance. He didn’t remember her looking quite so weak though. That was what was behind the fire. “You’re sick.”

Surprise colored her features for a split second before she shrugged, “Yes, but you need to make a choice right now. Either you step up and teach your son how to be a better man than you’ll ever be, or we walk away and you never lay eyes on him again.”

“You would be careful threatening me, Ella.” He warned, “When I get out of this cell, there will be nothing on any universe that will keep me from taking what is mine.”

A shiver went down her spine at his tone, and the way he looked not just at Logan, but at her as well. She tried to keep the fear from her voice, “That will never happen.”

“You’re mine, Ella. You were from the moment I laid a hand on you, and you know it. You and our son are mine.” Loki said it with a dark finality that almost made Jane beg Thor to take them all away. The evil seeped away as soon as it had come, and Loki shrugged, a mockery of Ella’s earlier one, giving a grin to his son, “But, we’ll play by your rules for now. I will teach our son everything I know.”

“Not everything.” Ella stated firmly, cutting him off, “You will not fill his head with the idea that humans are no better than insects, you will not talk to him about you getting out of here, and if you dare teach him that taking over the world is all right I will kill you myself. Are we clear?”

“Crystal.” He said easily, once again mere inches from the glass, “But I don’t think you could ever kill me, lovely girl. The most death you’re capable of dealing to me is la petite mort.”

Thor didn’t understand the idiom, but Jane did, and she gripped Ella’s arm before the other woman could launch herself at the glass again, “No, Ella, he’s just goading you.”

“Teach my son things like that, and I’ll rip your balls off and feed them to you.” Ella spat, her face inches from his.

Loki grinned more widely, “My, what a colorful image, and to think you said that in front of our son.”

“He’s five, he has no idea what that means.” Ella said dismissively, taking a deep breath to calm herself. She would faint if she let her blood pressure rise too high, and heaven forbid she upset Jane any more than she already had. She hated the effect Loki had on her. She didn’t like him, that was for sure, but there was an undeniable sexual chemistry between the two of them that, even after six years of motherhood, still called to her. He knew it too. He wouldn’t have been so focused on her if he didn’t know that every filthy thing he said turned her on. Part of her wished they could be alone for some crazy hate-sex, and it was all she could do not to blush furiously.

“Maman, quelqu’un vient.” Logan said from her side. (Maman, someone is coming.)

Thor turned to the entrance pushing Jane behind him. In turn, Ella stepped in front of Jane and her son. Odin entered with a half dozen guards behind him. “Thor, explain yourself!” He boomed, and Logan tucked himself against the back of his mother’s legs, startled by the noise.

“All-Father, I would have sought you out, but I felt Loki should be the first to know.” Thor said with more confidence than Ella felt facing a man who in her world was deemed by man as the god of all gods.

Suddenly Ella knew exactly what she had to do. She gripped Logan’s hand, and forced herself to move from the relative safety of Thor’s shadow. Odin gazed at her with a faint expression of curiosity as she bowed her head courteously, “All-Father, I am Ella, mother to Loki’s son. We are not here to free him, I assure you. I ask for safe passage between my world and this one so that Loki may teach our son to control the powers he possesses.”

“Powers you do not possess yourself.” Odin said intuitively. He knew she wasn’t fully human, but unlike Loki, her meager powers held no threat to him and his own. He turned his attention back to Thor, berating the younger man for bringing mortals to Asgard.

Frigga entered the room looking panicked before she laid eyes on Loki and assured herself that he was safe. Then she saw Logan. She sighed in awe, striding gracefully forward. “Oh, Loki, what have you done?” Ella stood her ground as the woman approached, and couldn’t have been more shocked when the beautiful queen dropped to her knees and held a hand out towards Logan, “Come here, darling boy. Your grandmother would like to meet you.”

Ella shocked herself when she knelt next to Logan and urged him on, “She’s not like Josephine, mon chéri. It’s alright. I’ll be right here.”


	5. Daughter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki and Ella are given heartbreaking news by Frigga, and Ella meets Bucky!

Logan looked at Frigga again, cocking his head to the side, “You’re real?”

Frigga smiled, “I told you we would meet each other one day.”

Logan turned to his mother, “She makes the monsters go away!”

“You knew about him?” Loki growled from the other side of the glass.

Frigga smiled, brushing Logan’s hair out of his face. “I knew about him before she did.”

“What?” Ella gasped.

Frigga gave a small apologetic smile to them both, “Loki did you think I would allow you to leave Asgard without having Heimdall look after you? He told me you had consorted with a Midgardian woman, but I mostly ignored it because of what you did to Thor right after. I was distraught. Heimdall thought to comfort me, and he told me that Ella was pregnant.”

“How the hell did he know that?” Ella exclaimed.

“He gazed down upon you and heard your babies heartbeats.” Frigga told them, staring at Logan. “I watched closely after that, I have ever since. I’ve been in Logan’s dreams since he was very small, always trying to keep them happy.”

Ella felt faint, “Wait, go back. Did you say heartbeats? What?”

Frigga looked stricken, “You did not know.”

“No, I didn’t.” Ella whispered, feeling a sharp pang in her chest. “I’m going to be sick.”

“Ella!” Jane screamed as Ella ran to the side of the room and started heaving. Jane held Ella’s hair back. “What was that? What just happened?”

Ella stood up, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, “Heartbeats, plural. Twins, Jane. I was pregnant with twins. That’s what Frigga just said."

“Wow.” Jane said dully.

Ella nodded, taking a deep breath, “I have a terrible migraine. We need to leave. Now. I need to be alone.” She strode over to Logan and took his hand, “I promise you’ll come back soon, but we need to go. Okay, mon chéri?”

“Can I see Amma again?” Logan asked, glancing at Frigga.

“Of course, Lo. Maman just needs to rest.” She told him.

Frigga put a hand on her arm, “I’m sorry, I never should have been so cavalier.”

Ella swallowed back more bile, “It’s okay, I just need to go now. I promise we’ll be back soon.”

Jane had pulled Thor away from his father and the four started to leave. “Ella.” Loki said once, his voice ringing through the room. She refused to turn around to look at him, and he said her name again, his tone much harder. They were almost to the doors when he growled, “Ella, look at me.”

She looked over her shoulder, looking far worse for wear than when she’d entered his domain, “Not now, Loki. Logan, say bye to your father.”

Logan was understandably upset, but waved at Loki, “Au revoir, Papa.”

“I shall see you soon, Logan.” Loki responded, and Ella gave a weak smile before they disappeared through the double doors. Loki then turned to his mother, “You knew all this time that I had a child?”

Frigga bristled at his tone, “Yes, and I would have told you had you not tried to kill your brother and usurp your father before apparently getting yourself killed. I grieved for you, for my son, and that child kept me together because something of you was still here. Then you return and did all those terrible things on Midgard. How could I have told you then that you had a son? They were in New York, Loki. In your mad grab for power you almost killed your three year old child and his mother. I’d only just calmed enough to think of telling you when Heimdall told me that she was making plans to seek help from Jane Foster and, by extension, your brother.” She sighed, calming, “I didn’t mean to upset her. I thought she knew she’d lost your daughter. Of course at that time she hadn’t even realized she carried any children, I should have known she wouldn’t have recognized the signs. I’m sorry, Loki.”

He had the same expression on his face that he’d had when they had discussed her and Odin keeping his origins secret, “A daughter?”

Frigga nodded, “I could sense the differences between their magic enough to tell.”

“What did she do?” He said hoarsely, “What did she do to cost us our daughter?”

Frigga scowled at her son, “Nothing, Loki. She did nothing to cause it. These things happen. There’s no knowing what the gods have planned. I’ve felt the pain she is feeling, but I hope she understands better than you that it was not her fault. You will not blame this on that poor girl. She has enough to deal with. One day your daughter was there, beside her brother, and the next Heimdall told me her heart stopped. She was gone. No reason, no cause, just the will of the gods.”

“When?” He asked thickly, “When did she die?”

“Loki, please don’t ask me that.” Frigga begged softly.

“When, Mother?” He gritted out.

She sighed heavily, wishing she could touch him, to comfort him, to shield him from the pain he was now forcing her to inflict on him. “The night you fell from the Bifrost.”

He laughed spitefully, flipping the only table over with a howl of rage before pacing, “My punishment for letting go. As if being tortured by the Chitauri wasn’t enough.”

Frigga rushed to the glass, putting her hands flat upon it, “No, Loki, please. It’s no more your fault than it is hers. You cannot blame yourself.”

“I destroy everything I touch. Surely my son will be no different. I’ve already killed his sister.” Loki said it all bitterly, kicking the glass in anger.

Frigga spent the rest of the night talking with him, convincing him that the loss of Logan’s fraternal twin was no one’s fault, and telling him everything she knew about the sweet little boy himself.

Back on Midgard, Ella was laying in bed, having already put Logan down for his afternoon nap and taken a round of her medications. Jane knocked on the door, opening it a second later, “You awake, El?”

Ella nodded, holding out a hand to invite Jane into bed with her. Jane snuggled up next to her friend, leaving them face to face. Ella closed her eyes, “This sucks. Do you remember in junior high when you thought you’d gotten pregnant by Jimmy Frasier?”

Jane grimaced, “Of course I do. You bought me tests. The first one was positive.”

“But you took another test a couple of days later and you weren’t. I never called you out on it, but I could see you were upset you weren’t pregnant.” Ella told her, fiddling with some of Jane’s caramel brown hair.

“Which was crazy. I was fifteen, and nowhere near ready to have a baby.” Jane felt her face flush, “Not to mention the odds of getting pregnant from the limited acts we did are astronomical.”

Ella chuckled, “I know. You were a virgin until sophomore year in college.” The humor slipped off her face, “But you know how I’m feeling, at least partially.”

Jane nodded, somber as well, remembering the aching loss over something she hadn’t actually had in the first place, “Yeah, I do.”

“Of all the things I expected to happen today, I never expected to be told that. I mean, I feel less crazy now, but being blindsided like that...I think I knew, Janie.” They locked eyes for a moment, and Ella felt compelled to elaborate, “While I was pregnant, I had these crazy pregnant lady dreams about what being a mother would be like, and I dreamed about a little boy all the time. We were never alone though, there was always a little girl there, but I could never convince her to join us. Guess I was dreaming about Logan’s twin the whole time.”

“I’m sorry, Ella.” Jane whispered, cuddling against her friend.

Ella sighed, “I’m fine, it’s just... I’m not sure how to feel about it. That was almost six years ago. But I think...at least someone will be there for me when I go.”

“What do you mean?” Jane asked, not liking the pale pallor of Ella’s skin.

“Everyone always talks about seeing loved ones who have passed when you die, but I’m adopted, Jane. Everyone I know will be here long after I’m gone. But maybe, maybe I’ll get to see that little girl again, when I’m dead. Is that insane?”

Jane made a pained sound, “I wish you wouldn’t talk like that.”

Ella smiled, cupping Jane’s face in her hand, “I know, but it’s the truth, Janie. I’m going to die. It’s a little less scary now. I’ll be with my daughter, and I know you’ll do what’s best for Logan." She took a deep breath, "I should talk to Loki alone.” There was so much they needed to talk about.

“That will be harder to accomplish than you believe.” Thor said from the doorway, his voice actually a normal volume.

“I didn’t even ask what your father ended up saying.” Jane said, sitting up so she could face him, strands of her hair catching painfully on Ella’s fingers, “Ouch, El, would you please stop that?”

Ella grimaced, “Sorry, nervous habit. You know that.”

“Yeah, I do. Can’t say it’s something I missed though.” Jane groused before looking at her lover, “What did he say?”

Thor didn’t seem too disturbed by the woman he loved laying in bed with another woman, and Ella gave him a whole lot of credit for that, even as he said, “The All-Father has requested that you not return to the dungeons. He fears you have intentions to free my brother from his prison.”

“I have no such intentions!” Ella exclaimed, sitting up quickly before flopping back down onto the bed, holding her head, “Oh, my damn head.”

“Shut up, Ella. Let him explain. I’ll have Dr. Banner give you something in a minute.” Jane snapped at her friend. “Please, Thor, ignore her.”

“The All-Father will allow Logan to be taught under his father, but only because I agreed to accompany my nephew.” Thor finished.

Ella nodded, pressing the heels of her palms against her eyes. She truly wanted to talk with Loki alone, but she wouldn't do anything to jeopardize her son learning to control himself, “Fine, I wasn’t going to leave Logan alone with him anyway. No brainwashing or world-takeover talk, ‘kay?”

Thor gave her an indulgent smile, “Of course, Lady Ella.”

It only took a week for Ella to go stir crazy, and she was begging to be let out of the penthouse. “Ella, that’s really not a good idea. We’re still monitoring your vitals.”

“I know, Jane, but I feel better than I have in months. Whatever Bruce concocted in his lab, it’s working. Not having to take all those pills is a damn miracle.” Ella groused, pulling on boots because, wether Jane liked it or not, she was jail-breaking. Logan had already rushed to the room that had been declared as his to grab his own shoes.

“She should be fine, Jane.” Bruce said softly, never one to want to get between the two women when they started going at it.

“See, Brucie thinks I’ll be fine, Jane, no need to worry. If you want, I’ll call you every two hours. If I’m too tired to walk back, I’ll get a taxi.” Ella offered, and they all knew that was her final offer. She was leaving anyway. Logan loved going to Asgard, but he basically was only allowed straight from the newly reconstructed Bifrost straight to the room outside his father’s prison cell. As a boy who had spent two years being dragged around Africa by his mother, he had never been so cooped up in his entire life.

Jane lost the war. Not that she’d ever really won an argument against Ella. Maybe once, when she’d convinced Ella in their senior year of high school that a third bowl of gelato was a bad idea, particularly because it was alcohol-infused gelato.

The first day out went well, and after sitting in Bruce’s lab for an hour getting blood tests and being hooked up to all sorts of machines, Bruce had cleared her for doing as much as she felt like outside the Tower. The only stipulation was that she returned in time to get her daily afternoon injection of medication, which involved needles bunched together that looked like a felting tool Ella's grandmother had used when she was a child. It was the least pleasant part of her day, but generally better than having to choke back a handful of pills three times a day.

Ella took her rediscovered freedom by the horns, and spent her days showing Logan New York. Sometimes Jane joined them, but it was mostly just mother and son, unless Logan was with his father. At night, Ella would tuck him into bed and bounce between her two new friends, Tony and Darcy, and it was always a party. But…it was the same thing day after day.

The monotony ended quite suddenly. One morning Ella was chatting with Happy before she and Logan went out for the day, but when she turned around, Logan was gone. “Logan?” Ella called, panicking for a second before glimpsing him standing outside the glass doors on the side walk. With a quick wave to Happy, Ella rushing outside, starting her rant before she got to him, “Lo, sweetie, don’t run off like that.”

She stopped short when she saw the massive man kneeling next to her son. He stared back at her with hard blue eyes, “Are you his mother?”

Ella blinked a couple of times before answering, stunned by the effect his voice had on her, “Yes.” She looked at her son who was actively playing with the man’s hand, studying the gloved appendage critically.

“You should keep a closer watch.” The muscled man said darkly.

“Maman! Sa main! Regardez!” (His hand! Look!) Logan cried, interrupting her response, and holding the man’s glove covered hand out in her direction.

Ella frowned, “S’il vous plaît arrêter. Cela est impoli.” (Please stop. That’s rude.)

“Ça va. Il est tout simplement curieux.” (It’s okay. He’s just curious.) The man replied, his voice having an even stronger effect on her in French.

Ella laughed thinly, hoping he couldn’t tell that she was more turned on than she’d ever been in her life. Loki would be furious. The asshole had been making possessive comments every time anyone saw him. Ella forced herself to speak, and it came out sounding panicked, “That’s the problem, he’s always curious!” They stared at each other for a few seconds before she gestured awkwardly to the building, “You going up?”

The man shook his head quickly, something in his eyes going a little crazy, “No.”

“We were just going out.” Ella said softly, pushing her attraction back and approaching him so she could peel Logan off his arm. Once they were disconnected, she hesitated for a second before blurting, “You wouldn’t happen to have plans right now would you? Or would you like to get coffee with us so I can express my gratitude for you not being some crazy person and snatching my wild youngster off the street?”

“No.” He said the instant she stopped to breathe, and they both startled. He shook his head, and clarified, “No, I don’t have plans. Coffee would be nice.”

Ella couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face, “Fantastic, my treat of course. I’ve been so absent minded these days, and our trips to get coffee are my favorite.” Since she was holding on to Logan’s hand with her right hand, she held her left out to the man, “I’m Ella by the way, Ella Dubois. This is my son Logan.”

He took her hand gently, the fabric of his glove rough against her skin, “I’m...James.”

She marveled at his hesitation for a split second before attributing it to the age old time when men who grew up being called ‘Jimmy’ actually decided to go by ‘James’. She smiled broadly at him, “Nice to meet you, James.”


	6. James

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'James', Ella, and Logan bond.

His heart had hurt when she’d smiled so widely at him. It seemed so familiar, but he was certain he’d never seen the woman before. Well...fairly certain. They began walking, a slow pace he was grateful for even as Logan tugged impatiently at Ella’s hand. He couldn’t walk quickly and have his mind race at the same time. He knew that. If he did, he usually spiraled back into insanity, the breath stealing, aching insanity.

Ella let silence stretch between them for a little bit, but turned to him as they waited for a crosswalk to be clear, “Are you from around here?”

“I was born in Brooklyn, but... I’ve...been away a long time.” He said slowly, wondering what the hell he was doing standing on a crowded sidewalk with a mother and her child.

Ella hummed as they started walking again, “That’s a shame, Lo and I always go to the same place, I was hoping you might know of somewhere else.”

“But I like the ice cream, Maman!” Logan whined.

“I know you do, mon cheri, but it’s good to try new things.” Her eyes strayed from the sidewalk to the man walking next to her, “You might find things that surprise you.”

“What about you?” He asked, trying to keep his heart from hammering any harder in his chest at having the first non-violent conversation he could actually remember.

“I was born in Lille, France...I think. I mean, I ended up at an orphanage there when I was just a few days old. Before that, who knows. There wasn’t any record of my birth.” Ella said with surprising ease, she lifted Logan onto her hip in one swift motion, “This little guy was born in Boston. Of course he hasn’t been back since, but at least he’s got the birth certificate to prove he’s from there.”

“What’s wrong with Boston?” He asked, trying to recall if he’d ever been there before.

Ella shrugged, ambling to yet another crosswalk stop. “Nothing, I just happened to be there when I went into labor. Actually missed a connecting flight to Virginia to see my folks, which I could have made anyway. I was in labor for over thirteen hours, but the airport ass…tronauts refused to let me board the plane in ‘my condition’.”

He was infinitely amused by her mid-word modification, as well as how open she was. He had just met her. No one he could remember was that candid. “Your parents live in Virginia?”

Ella made a noise of conflict, “I was adopted like three days after I showed up at the orphanage, and we lived in France until I was six years old. Then my father and I moved to Virginia. He got a teaching job at Culver University. He ended up working with a man who had a daughter just a little younger than me, we were friends from day one. She was great at helping me with my English.”

“Do you still speak to her?” He asked, thinking of the blond man.

Ella nodded, “Yeah, we’re actually living together right now. It’s been great. You have a roommate?”

“No, I’m in private security, based out of Vancouver, living in hotels here until I finish my business in the city.” He answered smoothly. He’d used that line before, for one of the missions he could remember, and it had seemed the best one to apply to his current situation.

“I get it, that’s usually me.” Ella said. She kissed Logan’s cheek, “Isn’t that right, mon chéri?” The little boy agreed with his mother, tangling his fingers in her dark hair.

“What do you do then?” He asked, holding the door to the cafe Ella and Logan frequented open for them.

A slight blush came to Ella’s face, “I’m an archeologist with an unhealthy passion for anthropology. Currently out of work. Hence the crashing with my friend.”

Conversation halted until they were seated at a table that Logan had just run straight too. Ella apologized for her son’s forwardness, giving the hostess a sweet smile. While she was doing that, he was mentally evaluating the area for defensibility and offensive capabilities, something he kept himself up at night doing for random buildings he could remember being in.

They got furtive glances from the waitress that always seemed to be on duty, who seemed overwhelmed by the presence of a man at Logan and Ella’s usual table. Ella was fussing with Logan, and he felt compelled to say, “Thank you, for letting me come along.”

Ella smiled at James, the same mega-watt smile that triggered things in his brain that he couldn’t recognize, “Least I could do, and you looked like you could use a mission or something to get you sorted.” She scrunched her nose up, “Mission, Lord what am I saying? I just mean you looked a little lost, and now you have some place you’re meant to be. I need to get out more.”

They started talking then, and laughing at Logan’s antics as he struggled to trick his mother into speaking French again. James was vague about his past, but told her what he could, at least what he could remember and reasonably share. For once, Ella didn’t lead with the fact that she was a ticking time bomb with a psychotic baby-daddy, and it felt so nice.

“Wait a minute.” Ella said suddenly, and he was afraid she’s somehow recognized him from the havoc he’d wrecked on the city, “Turn your head.” He did as she said, but used every ounce of control he had not to move anything else. Ella clicked her tongue, “Did you hit your head? You’ve got a little blood on your neck.”

Suddenly she was right next to him, with a damp napkin, dabbing at his neck. “I don’t know.” He answered, even though he had gotten into a fight right before he decided to try to get a couple feet closer to the doors of the Stark building than usual.

The touch of Ella’s bare hand on his skin sent shivers all over his body, “Not too much, perhaps you scratched yourself and didn’t notice. Anyway, all clean now.” She jerked back, “Hell!”

“What?” He said, jerking his face back to hers, sure she was going to recognize him and the most normal afternoon he could remember would dissolve into panicked screams.

Ella had her mouth covered with one hand, “I am so sorry! I totally just ‘mom-ed’ you! My Lord, that’s embarrassing. I am so so sorry!”

That was new, someone apologizing to him...for not doing anything, “It’s alright, Ella.”

She sighed, both to calm herself and to well...calm herself from the flutter her heart began when the unreasonably attractive long-haired man next to her said her name, “Still, that’s obviously a sign that I really do have to get out more. A couple hours every day wandering around with my five-year-old isn’t cutting it.”

“You seem better adjusted than me.” He said candidly.

Ella chuckled, “A carefully crafted illusion, I assure you.” She stroked Logan’s hair, “Your daddy’s not the only one who’s good at that.”

“Do I get to see him tomorrow?” Logan asked.

Ella nodded at her son, “Yeah, your uncle’s taking you over there after breakfast.”

“You have a brother?” He asked after a couple minutes of silence.

“No, but Logan’s father has a brother.” She said, “Thank goodness. Logan’s grandfather isn’t fond of me. Made it clear I’m not welcome when Logan goes to visit, so his uncle takes him.”

Her tone was blasé, and he knew instinctually that there was no love lost between Ella and Logan’s father. “Sounds pleasant.”

“Oh, yeah. Totally.” She said with a laugh, “I get along with Logan’s grandmother well enough, but she would rather have a husband than coddle the mother of her only grandchild. Can’t blame her for that.”

“You aren’t so bad.” He told her, giving a tiny smile, or at least what he hoped was a smile. He wasn’t sure he remembered how to smile. He hoped he did.

Ella rolled her eyes, but smiled back at him, “I’m not so sure. Least my son thinks I’m cool.” Logan stared at her, and she grimaced, “Really, mon chéri? I’m not that bad.”

He started giggling, ducking her hand when she reached out to ruffle his hair. “Maman!”

She shook her head good-naturedly, “Love you too, baby boy.”

“Mr. James, is your maman as pretty as my maman?” The boy blurted suddenly, catching both adults off guard.

He looked between Ella and Logan hoping he didn’t look as panicked as he felt. How could he possibly give the boy an answer? Ella was beautiful, achingly so, but he had no idea what his own mother had looked like. He could remember that he had once had a mother, a younger sister too, but he couldn’t remember what they’d looked like. He couldn’t remember his own mother’s face.

When he finally regained awareness, Ella was handing Logan a handful of coins, a deep blush on her face as she urged her son to go get a toy from the little money stealing machine by the cafe’s counter. “Sorry about that.” She whispered as Logan bounded away.

It took him a few seconds to utter, “It’s okay.”

Ella shook her head, “No, his question obviously upset you, and I’m sorry.” She kept her eyes on her son, “He’s sort of obsessed with mothers right now. My mother is terrible, but he just met his father’s mother, who’s frankly a joy, if a bit nosey. That started this phase of intrusive questions.”

“You are pretty.” He said awkwardly.

If anything, the blush on her cheeks deepened and she gave a short little laugh, “Um...thank you. You’re not so bad looking yourself, James.”

He thought about his long hair, and couldn’t remember when he’d last washed it. But she thought he wasn’t bad looking? Vague memories of women telling him how handsome he was surfaced. He couldn’t imagine he would ever be handsome enough to erase who he was so he could deserve someone like her.

“Are you talking to someone?” She asked when he didn’t respond.

“Pardon?”

Ella looked uncomfortable for a moment before sighing, “It’s just... I’ve seen guys like you before. Not all archeological digs are in safe places, so my employers would hire private security. A couple of them acted just like how you are. They got better because they talked to someone about it all.” She dug back in her purse for a business card and put it on the table in front of him, “Sam Wilson, he’s a good guy. He works at the VA with post-combat support groups and such. Think there’s a meeting tonight, actually if you wanted to go. It's at seven. You don’t have to talk, but it might help.” She gave him another smile, so close to the one he was becoming addicted to, but tinged with sadness. He’d been afraid that he would see pity in her eyes, but he didn’t. All he saw was a timid hopefulness.

He picked up the card.

Logan was back at the table an instant later, and the two adults turned their attention to sharing Logan’s enthusiasm over his new toy. Of course it was literally a ball of slime, and while he told Logan all sorts of things he could do with it, Ella laid down the rules about how Logan wasn’t allowed to deface property with it.

The watch on Ella’s wrist started beeping incessantly, and she looked down at it and cursed softly in Russian, a language she’d yet to teach her son so she could have an outlet for her dirty mouth, she had explained to him earlier. He could listen to her speak Russian all day. Somehow the way she spoke it made it sound beautiful. She was grimacing at him, “I’m sorry, James, but Logan and I have to go. I’ve had a lovely time.”

“Could we meet again?” He found himself asking, even though he shouldn’t have, he shouldn’t get too close. He could hurt either of them without blinking. The childish urge to keep someone who’d been so nice to him close had won out, and he didn’t breathe waiting on her reaction, not knowing what response he wanted.

Ella smiled at him again, gently, and well pleased, “I’d like that. Not sure what the rest of this week holds, but how about we try same time, same place next week?” They’d already discussed his lack of communication devices, which he'd blamed on a mugging and slow internal business turn-around, so arranging a meeting while face to face was the most logical move.

“I’ll see you both then.” He replied shortly, watching the unusual care Ella took to get up and wondering if something was wrong.

He got another smile though, and it didn’t matter. Part of him was ready to stay in the same chair for the next week to come, like a long stake out for a high value mission, just to see another one of those smiles. That’s what she was of course, already. Ella gave him something to focus on other than the people inside the Stark tower, and certainly distracted him from worrying about who he had been. Ella put a hand on top of the metal one he hated, but her smile pushed the usual flare of anger back, “I can’t wait.”

“Me neither.” He answered honestly.

Ella held a hand out to Logan, “Come on, Lo. Auntie Jane wants to drive us to the middle of nowhere to watch stars.” Logan complied, waving at the man as they went to leave, but Ella stopped suddenly and looked back at him, “I hope you go to the meeting. You’re never as alone as you think you are.” She turned away without another word, her young son bouncing by her side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be in a few days with Bucky going to a meeting at the VA, and also on an impromptu date with Ella. Kudos and comments welcome!


	7. Darlin'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> VA meetings, and one-on-one time with Ella and Bucky!

As the man they’d called Winter, he’d never been unsure. His orders had been resolute, and he’d never thought to question his actions. Then that man, Steve, had called him Bucky and his whole world had imploded. Everything had spiraled from there. They’d wiped him again, but it had only taken the name Bucky from him long enough for him to nearly let Steve drown. He could barely remember why he didn’t just let the man who had at one time be his target die, but he was glad he hadn’t.

 

After Ella and Logan left the cafe, he went to the free computer in the corner and executed a search that led him to numerous websites all suggesting the same thing, that he talk to someone about his troubles. What could he say though? He was a science experiment that had been used over and over again for seventy years, and had a metal arm he hated with every fiber of what remained of his flesh and bone body.

 

He had been living life aimlessly since dropping Steve carelessly out of the way of the suffocating water. Mostly, he spent his days fighting off sleep so he wouldn’t dream, or he would go to the museum and stare at faces he only half remembered, marveling at the words calling him a hero and Captain America’s best friend. He remembered a scrawny boy named Steve, but could tell he remembered less than a tenth of the time they’d spent together. He couldn’t remember when Steve had become Captain America. He couldn’t remember how they’d been separated when the historical writings claimed they were inseparable.

 

He’d gone back to the museum, intimately aware that the meeting Ella had told him about was set to begin shortly. He came across a bronze plaque he’d never taken the time to read before because it was in the Vietnam War section. The words written by John Wolfe, however, helped him make his mind up:

 

_‘Few things in this world are as unforgiving, pitiless, ungovernable, and irrecoverable as lead and steel loosed from a weapon. The transfigurations they affect on the bodies of friend and foe alike form a permanent backdrop to all a man’s future visions. While others experience intervals of silence between thoughts, a combat veteran’s intervals will be filled with rubbery Halloween mask heads housing skulls shattered into tiny shards, schemeless mutilations, and shocked, pained expressions that violent and premature death casts on a dead boy’s face._

 

_These images are war’s graffiti. They are scrawled across the veterans mind defacing the silence and peace that others enjoy. At times the images may seem to fade, but an unguarded glance into the gloom is sufficient to exhume them.’_

 

He wanted the image to fade. He wanted it to fade so he didn’t have panic attacks while talking to lovely women, and he wanted to sleep. He hadn’t slept in days. Riding the high of the most positive human contact he’d had in over seventy years, he knew he couldn’t sleep if he tried. Instead, he left the museum, and slipped into the back of a small crowd heading into the VA.

 

Comparatively, Sam Wilson was a small man. And also one he’d seen before. Sam Wilson had been fighting with Captain America. Terror gripped him for a moment when the man approached him, holding out a hand. At any moment, he would be recognized, and what would happen after was filled with too many variables to count. “I’m Sam, we’re happy to have you.”

 

He took the man’s proffered hand and shook it, simply grunting and saying, “I’m James.”

 

Sam seemed completely satisfied with the answer and smiled, “Why don’t you get some coffee and have a seat, we’ll get started in just a few.”

 

He sat at the back, listening to the others pour their hearts out, expressing all the same anger and fear he felt. Ella had been right. His feelings weren’t unique, just the circumstances. After the meeting had closed, Sam approached him again, “Will we be seeing you again, James?”

 

He nodded, amazed that apparently changing his clothes, getting rid of the eye black, and brushing his hair made him unrecognizable. The lack of blatantly displayed metal arm probably helped too.

 

“Good, it’s best to stick with it. Getting here is the hardest part.” Sam said, handing him a piece of paper with dates and times printed on it, “You got family?”

 

He shook his head, “Nobody but a girl I met today. She told me about the meeting.”

 

Sam cocked his head to the side, “Who was it?”

 

“Ella.” He answered, saying her name like a prayer.

 

Sam looked shocked for a moment, but smiled, shaking his head in disbelief, “Ella, eh? Just when you think you’ve got that girl figured out she goes and surprises you by doing something completely unexpected. That girl has drunk me under the table more times than I’d care to admit.” Sam evaluated him more closely, “You must have made a good impression. She’s usually pretty quiet outside her place.”

 

“You’ve been to her home?” He asked before he could stop himself. That was becoming a disturbing trend.

 

Sam nodded, “Yeah, I mean there’s a whole bunch of them that live together. We’re all friends. That kid of her’s is something special, ain’t he?”

 

“Exceptional.” That was what came to mind when he thought about the boy who had spoken two languages fluently in his presence and had made some passable attempts at Mandarin. And he was five years old. Ella had refused to respond in anything but English, but it was obvious that the boy had learned it all from her.

 

Sam chuckled, “They’re both exceptional. Glad she got you to come. You seem calmer than you did when you came in. Means you’ve found the right place.”

 

He tried another smile, and it felt less awkward than the first, “Think I have too.”

 

Time after that seemed to be marked by terrifying flashbacks and night terrors, meetings at the VA, and afternoons spent with Ella and Logan which, after the second one, were now more every other day than weekly. He had been forced to claim he worked nights to justify the amount of time he spent with her.

 

Things changed when Ella showed up alone one afternoon, “Hello, James!”

 

“Ella.” He acknowledged, also noting the concerning pallor of her skin. “Where’s Logan?” She’d never come without her son before.

 

Ella grimaced, sitting down across from him, “Logan is with his father, it was unexpected.”

 

He was surprised by that, “I assumed his father wasn’t in the picture enough to dictate times.”

 

“Oh, he’s not. I mean not in my picture, but Logan has things his father needs to teach him, so I’m doing my best to be supportive and not get in a screaming match with the asshole again. Which means letting Logan go visit his father with his Uncle instead of me. His Uncle needed it to be today, something about some dinner he needed to go to or something like that.” Ella said exhaustively, anxiety marking her face.

 

James chose his next words carefully, “You and Logan’s father don’t get along?”

 

“Never did.” Ella answered quickly, “The night we made Logan I was well on my way to being drunk, in the middle of an identity crisis, and he was this suave jerk who totally took advantage of my emotional state. If he weren’t Logan’s father, I’d hate him.”

 

That was what he loved about her. When he’d first found the little dark haired boy on the side walk, he’d been enraged that a mother would let her child out of her sight, but then he’d met Ella and realized that he’d borne witness to one small misstep by an otherwise amazing mother. She loved Logan, but while she doted on him, she also didn’t let him get out of hand or misbehave. She reminded him of what he imagined his own mother to have been like.

 

For the first time, he reached out to touch her for something other than a handshake, placing his hand on her arm, “You’re a good woman, Ella.”

 

Ella sighed, and smiled up at him, letting the tension out of her body, “I try, James.” The waitress came over with two-thirds of their usual order, and Ella stood, “Come on, let’s take this to-go. I’m not really in the mood to sit.”

 

He followed her obediently out into the sunlit street. “Central Park?” He questioned when Ella’s purposeful walk slowed.

 

She nodded, “Yeah, I’ve been here with Lo about a half dozen times since we moved to New York, but I’ve never gotten to enjoy it without keeping one eye on him.”

 

“Let me show you my favorite spot.” He said without thinking. Favorite spot? Did he have a favorite spot? He suddenly couldn’t remember, but his feet kept moving, leading her deeper into the park. She had to stop halfway up the path, but he was buzzing with both the serum and nervous energy.

 

“Sorry, just need to catch my breath.” Ella gasped, “It’s been a while since I went hiking. Appears I’m out of shape.” Her laugh sounded odd, but she smiled at him anyway, peeling her cardigan off her body, straightening the green sundress she was wearing underneath, “Aren’t you hot in that shirt? It’s got to be about seventy-five already today.”

 

He looked down at himself. Yes, he was hot, very hot, his skin prickling with sweat, but was he ready to show her his arm? He kept it covered to keep prying eyes away, but he was completely alone with Ella. Was he ready to expose himself like that? Was he ready to chance her looking at him with fear when she realized he was a monster?

 

She saw the hesitation, and touched his metal arm through the flannel fabric, “James, I know about your arm. Metal, isn’t it? You don’t have to hide from me.”

 

“How?” He choked out.

 

Ella smiled gently, “Logan told me the first day we met. I haven’t asked you about it because I get that you’re not ready to talk about it, which is totally fine, but there’s no sense in you burning up to keep a secret that hasn’t been a secret for months.”

 

Slowly, he removed the flannel shirt he’d been clinging to for comfort, and waited for a few seconds before opening his eyes to see her reaction. Vaguely he heard her watch beep, and then he opened his eyes. She just slipped her hand into his metal one, and tugged at him to keep going down on the path. Minutes later he finally said, “Thank you.”

 

“For what?” Ella asked, leaning her head against his metal shoulder.

 

“Not being afraid of me.”

 

Ella pulled them both to a stop, turning so they were facing each other, “You’ve been nothing but kind to me and gentle with my son. Why would I be afraid of you?”

 

“I’ve killed people with this hand before.” He said, deciding to be brutally honest. At least if he scared her away, he wouldn’t be hurting her.

 

Ella blinked a few times before shaking her head. She lived with killers now, and the father of her son had killed an untold number of people. James was different. There was something sweet about him, “I do like the bad boys.” She stared up at him, examining his open face. His eyes were filled with such trepidation that it killed her, and she couldn’t control herself anymore. “Oh, screw it.”

 

He could have never anticipated her next move. Her watch beeped, and suddenly she was in his arms, moving her lips over his. Somehow, he remembered how to do this, how to kiss a woman like a real man, not a monster.

 

Ella clenched her fingers in his hair to hold him closer, not to pull him away, and he couldn’t believe it. She pulled away finally and smiled breathlessly at him, “I don’t think you’d ever hurt me. It’s selfish of me, but I really like you, James.”

 

That’s who he was. He was James, or at least the James that Ella liked, and for the most part, that was all that mattered, “I like you too, Ella.”

 

She slipped her hand into his again, and put her head on his shoulder, “We should get to your spot. I need to be getting back soon. Have to make sure Logan’s father hasn’t been brainwashing him.”

 

He knew a thing or two about brainwashing, and the idea of that little boy going through what he had been through turned his stomach. Ella would never let that happen though. “Think Logan’s too smart to be brainwashed.” James told her finally, the corner of his mouth ticking up in a half smiled, “Let’s go, darlin’.”

 

“Darlin’?” She echoed, grinning up at him, “Not sure anyone has ever called me that before. This mean we’re going steady, Soldier?”

 

“Not until I give you my letterman.” He replied, wondering when he’d remembered 1940s dating etiquette.

 

Ella laughed, kicking a rock out of the path, “Your letterman? I bet you played football in school. Bet you’d look good in those tight pants.”

 

“Quit objectifying me, darlin’ girl.” He said teasingly, covering up the fact that he had no idea if he’d played football or not. All he knew is that there was no way Steve had.

 

Ella stood on her tiptoes and kissed his cheek, “Get used to it, handsome. Now come on, I want to see your favorite spot in all of Central Park.”

 

They didn’t make it there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is already done, but I'm having a bit of trouble with the one after that. Any suggestions for dates for these two?
> 
> Thanks for all the kudos and comments, they really help encourage me to write on this story!


	8. Puzzles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ella and James part ways & some domesticity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Watching Thor: The Dark World for the first time right now. Anyone want some Loki scenes? If so, with whom?
> 
> Anyway, sorry for the long wait! Hope this makes up for it! Working on the next chapter now!

 

They were walking, when suddenly Ella seemed to lose her footing. “Gosh, I’m sorry.” She said, out of breath and pinching her eyes closed, “I just got a killer migraine. Any way we can make this trip another day?” It was a lie of course, as soon as she’d stopped being pissed at Loki demanding time with their son like a two year old, her head had started throbbing. As usual, she’d tried to fight it back, but couldn’t keep it up anymore.

 

He nodded, pulling his glove and shirt back on but not buttoning the shirt up. He didn’t feel like he needed to anymore. Since he had stolen the item from a sidewalk shop, he’d fastidiously kept it buttoned all the way up to protect himself from the outside world, but with Ella, he didn’t need to. “It was there seventy years ago, I’m sure it’ll wait a couple of days.” Her head hurt too much for her to think about his odd statement.

 

They started walking back, but he didn’t like how she was weaving beside him. To remedy the situation, he did what was most obvious, after rejecting the training that told him to kill her and move ahead alone, and picked her up into his arms. “Holy shit!” She exclaimed and he chuckled.

 

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you swear in English before.” He commented while she scrambled to get her arms around his neck. “I won’t drop you.” She wasn’t a large woman by any means, and if he carried the bulk of her weight with his metal arm, he was fairly certain he could carry her for days.

 

“You should ask my best friend, I cursed like a sailor in English until I became a mom. I don’t want Logan saying those things and getting us both in trouble. Had to get more creative with my expletives.” She muttered, leaning her head against his cloth covered metal shoulder, “Seriously, don’t drop me, because this is so much better than walking.” She moaned, “Man, my head is killing me.”

 

“Perhaps if you stopped talking that would help.” He drawled.

 

Ella hummed in agreement, “Maybe.”

 

He felt it when her breathing evened out and she fell asleep in his arms, and it was more than exhilarating enough to allow him to ignore the questioning looks at him carrying a sleeping woman through Central Park. A police officer stopped him, however, and his grip on her tightened.

 

“Is she alright?” The officer asked.

 

He nodded, forcing himself to act human and not like the possessive depraved animal he really was on the inside. “We were hiking. Her head started hurting. She’s sleeping it off.”

 

Ella sighed drowsily, jostled from sleep at the sound of his voice, moving her hand from his chest to his cheek and kissing him. She settled back against his arm and asked with a self satisfied smile, “We back at the cafe?”

 

He couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face, “Not quite, Amoureux.” (Sweetheart)

 

Her eyes flicked to the officer and her face flushed, “Oh, hell.” She looked up at him again, pursing her lips, “What is it about you that makes me completely lose myself?”

 

“Has to be my sunny disposition.” He replied winningly.

 

She smiled but put her head back on his shoulder, angled just so she could see the police officer, “My head is killing me, so it would be really great if you didn’t charge us for public indecency.”

 

The officer shrugged, “You’ve both still got clothes on, so I think we’re good. Besides, it’s nice to see a young man with chivalry. Feel better, young lady. You two have a nice afternoon.”

 

He began walking again, and Ella groaned, pinching her eyes closed. “Wish I could take you home with me.” She whispered.

 

He kept walking, but stiffened slightly, “Why is that?”

 

He glanced down to see her smiling with her eyes still closed, “Because you’re obscenely comfy.” She punctuated her words by rubbing her thumb across his collarbone, getting dangerously close to the seam between metal and flesh. She’d seen his metal arm, but the dark grey shirt that he had on covered his mangled flesh. “Where’s your home?” She asked, her green eyes suddenly looking up at him.

 

He shrugged, “I don’t really have one. Been bouncing around hotels, you know that.”

 

Ella chuckled, closing her eyes again, “Better than me then. I’ve been freeloading off friends. They aren’t even letting me clean up when I cook. And I’m only allowed to cook once a week.” She paused, like she was having to work up the effort to keep speaking, “You should get a room with a kitchenette sometime, I’ll come cook for you.”

 

“I can’t imagine you in a kitchen.” He said honestly.

 

“I’m not the best, but had to learn to feed my kid more than fast food.” She explained sleepily, “I’ve burned a couple of meals, but you shouldn’t worry too much, I’m loads better now.”

 

“I believe you, Amoureux.” He told her, coming to a stop, “We’re back at the cafe. Want me to walk you home?”

 

Ella shook her head, and he put her on her feet. She steadied herself by holding onto his arm for a second, and then smiled brightly at him, “I’ll be fine, it’s not far, and you’ve done more than enough.” She stood on her toes to kiss him again. She pulled away with a sweet regretful smile on her face, “Is it terrible that I’m grateful Logan wasn’t able to come today?”

 

“No.” He answered, leaning down to catch her lips with his, “You’re a wonderful mother, but every mother needs a break now and then.” He remembered his mother saying something like that, but he still couldn’t remember what her face had looked like.

 

Ella beamed at him, making his chest clench. “You’re so sweet. I hope you have a good night, James.”

 

“You too, Ella.” He said, but knew that he was going to wake up with terrible nightmares at some point during the night, if he even got to sleep at all.

 

She turned away, but spun right back around to kiss him again, much less sweetly than their other kisses. “You make me crazy.” She whispered before pulling away and walking quickly down the street before disappearing around a corner, leaving him standing on the sidewalk dumbfounded.

 

He didn’t see her collapse against the wall of the building. Ella tapped the screen of her watch, “JARVIS, could you please send someone to come get me? If they could bring my meds, that would be great too.”

 

“I will do so at once, Miss Ella.” The AI replied, and everything was silent for a few seconds before he said, “Mr Stark is on his way to you post haste.”

 

“Thank you, JARVIS.” Ella said breathlessly, and had almost passed out by the time Tony showed up.

 

“Hey, Frenchie.” He yelled, and of course he jammed the collection of needles into her exposed calf, which jerked her out of her doze.

 

“Oh, God that hurt.” Ella groaned, but took his offered hand and stood.

 

He had to help her to his car, but by the time they got to the Tower, she was feeling much better. “You’re looking more perky.” Tony remarked, holding the door open for her dramatically.

 

Ella touched his hand, and gave him a grateful smile, “Thank you, Tony.”

 

He grimaced, “Don’t mention it. I’m serious, don’t ever mention it. It might make people start to think I give a shit about them.”

 

“My lips are sealed.” Ella said with a wry grin, “I’ll even pretend I don’t know that you hand craft those puzzles you slip to Logan every couple of days.”

 

“You aren’t supposed to know about those.” Tony snapped, walking into the elevator beside her.

 

Ella raised an eyebrow at him, “Tony, he’s five and I’m his mother. He tells me just about everything. He loves them, by the way.”

 

Tony was silent until just before the doors opened to let them out, “I’m glad. He’s a good kid.”

 

Ella watched him stamp off to his lab, and resigned herself to facing Jane’s wrath in the living room. She didn’t have to wait long, and Jane’s rant was just as bad as she anticipated it would be. Bruce backed her up quietly as he walked through the room.

 

Jane only quieted when Thor and Logan returned. Logan was exhausted, and Ella touched his pale face with worry, “What happened?”

 

Thor grimaced, “Mother assisted today. It appears she is a more stringent teacher than my brother.”

 

Ella tucked Logan against her on the sofa, combing his hair away from his face, “Aww, poor baby, Amma’s tough, isn’t she?” He nodded and yawned widely, sinking into her and closing his eyes. Ella continued to stroke his hair, “We both had exciting days.”

 

“What exactly where you doing out so long past your alarm?” Jane asked from where she’d perched herself on Thor’s lap.

 

Ella shrugged, trying to pretend that it hadn’t been the most thrilling day she’d had since she’d learned she was dying. “I was out with a friend, we were at a concert in the park, just didn’t hear my alarm.”

 

“Maybe I need to ask Tony to make you one that pinches you or something.” Jane said spitefully.

 

“You’re still my best friend, Janie.” Ella assured her, stifling a yawn.

 

Jane sighed in disapproval, “Ella, you’re exhausted, why don’t you two go to bed?”

 

Ella shook her head, “Nah, I like falling asleep with you guys moving around, I’ll be alone soon enough, don’t want to be alone when I don’t have to.”

 

Jane gave another disapproving noise, “I wish you weren’t so morbid.”

 

Ella laid her head on her arm, nodding it all the way, exhaustion overwhelming her, “I know, Janie, I know. Love you too.”

 

She wasn’t quite asleep when she heard Jane say to Bruce, “She’s wearing herself out.”

 

“She’s strong, Jane.” Bruce said carefully, “As long as she feels capable we should support her. We just need to keep a closer eye on when she needs a dose, be more aware of where she is.”

 

Ella let herself go, and woke up in the morning to Jane slipping the usual bundle of needles under the skin on her stomach. Ella cupped her friend’s face in her hand, “I so prefer it when you’re the one that gets to stab me.”

 

Jane turned her face to kiss Ella’s palm, “Morning, sunshine.”

 

Ella arched back with a sigh, stretching her hands above her head with a yawn, noting that she could hear Logan chattering with Tony at the kitchen bar. “I sleep through breakfast?”

 

“Nope, Steve’s making pancakes so it’ll be a little bit. Although Darcy’s bringing cinnamon rolls over, like she promised Logan she would.” Jane said, wiping the numerous blood drops off Ella’s stomach with the back of her hand.

 

Ella kissed the corner of her friend’s mouth as she stood, “That all sounds amazing, I’m starved.”

 

Logan greeted her in French and she replied in Chinese, making her little boy groan, “Maman!”

 

“English, Lo.” She reminded gently, kissing the top of his head.

 

“You are so tough on him.” Jane said in amusement. “It baffles me because I remember the girl who would start making out with me when either of us got unwanted attention at bars.”

 

Ella sighed wistfully, “Man I miss those days. We were wild, weren’t we?”

 

Jane glowered at her, “You were wild, I just got dragged along for the ride.”

 

“Hey, I’m the one that got us into the sorority you wanted in, right?” Ella rebuffed, stealing a piece of bacon of the warming tray Steve had piled the meat on.

 

At some point during their banter, Darcy had joined them, “Wait, Jane was in a sorority?”

 

“Ella, no.” Jane begged, watching the slow smile spread across Ella’s face.

 

“Oh, yes. Jane and I were sorority girls. Totally contrived though, Jane just wanted in because the sorority house roof had the best stargazing spot on campus. Everyone on campus totally thought we were boning.” Ella explained, fixing a plate for Logan who was staring at the basket on Darcy’s arm.

 

“Boning?” Logan echoed, not taking his eyes off the basket.

 

Ella winced, but smoothed her expression over, “Everyone thought that Aunt Jane and I would work with wood all night to make baseball bats.”

 

“Nice one, Mom-Of-The-Year.” Darcy said as she chuckled softly at Ella’s explanation.

 

Jane just continued to glare.

 

Ella continued her story as soon as Logan was focused on eating, “Anyway, everyone made that erroneous assumption, so for our initiation the girls thought it would be hilarious to have me make out with some frat guys while Jane watched. Really cruel if we were actually together, but it mostly just made Jane uncomfortable and let me figure out which guys were worth my effort.” Ella bumped Jane’s hip with her own, “Quit frowning like that, Janie, you basically were my girlfriend. I always made sure you got what you wanted. You were completely spoiled all through college.”

 

“You spoiled me so I would keep you out of trouble and help you with your physics homework, El.” Jane corrected, but a smile tugged at the corners of her mouth.

 

Ella wasn’t ashamed to admit it, and stood in front of Darcy, pinning her with intense green eyes, “Are you going to give up some cinnamon rolls or are you just a tease?”

 

Darcy blinked at her a couple of times, “Are you sure you’re not at least bi? Because I think my panties just melted. I’ll totes volunteer to be your hospice girlfriend.”

 

Jane scolded Darcy for using that word, but Logan shut them all up by saying, “Maman can’t be your girlfriend, she’s going to be Mr. James’ girlfriend.”


	9. Perfect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Ella spend more time together, and Darcy blackmails Ella!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to those of you who are still sticking around! This semester at school kicked my butt, but I'm back to writing now!

“Logan! Pas un mot!” (Not another word!) Ella gasped, nearly choking on the sip of orange juice she’d just taken. The acid burned at the back of her throat, trying to make it’s way up her nose.

“Ella, who’s James?” Jane demanded.

Ella hissed in pain and annoyance, “Not really your business because you’re not my mother, but he’s a man Logan and I met while we were out a while ago. He works nights, so we’ve been meeting for coffee every couple of days.” She glared at her son, who was happily munching on the cinnamon roll Darcy had numbly passed him.

“Ella, you need to be careful who you associate with. There’s a lot of people who want to hurt the Avengers, things are dangerous with the S.H.I.E.L.D. and Hydra mess, and there’s lot of people who just don’t like certain... people.” Jane finished, glancing at Logan pointedly, obviously referencing Loki.

Ella thought about James for a second, how gentle he was with Logan, and how little he truly asked her about her life, and dismissed the idea that he could be anything other than genuine. That and there was simply no way he could be so vulnerable with her and have ulterior motives. “He’s a total sweetheart, Jane, I’m not worried. Gives Lo practice at acting normal around someone.”

Jane accepted her explanation, but after breakfast, Darcy cornered her, “That was a load of bull.”

“What do you mean?” Ella asked lightly, folding a tiny Iron Man shirt that Tony had insisted Logan have.

Darcy scowled, pursing her darkly painted lips, “You totally want to bone that man.”

Ella stiffened, “You seem pretty certain about that.”

“Oh yeah, girl. ‘Sweetheart’ is not something you call a grown man, but Jane’s too Jane to realize that. And, apart from yesterday, you’ve been coming home beaming.” Darcy was spot on.

“You can’t tell anyone, especially Jane.” Ella whispered.

“Oh, girl, as long as you bring me pictures, I’ll keep my mouth shut. Because looking at you and your usual choice in men, he’s got to be fine.” Darcy drawled. “I’m mean Loki’s insane, but he’s practically edible, ya know?”

The older woman nodded, a small smile on her face, “Believe me, I know.” Ella pulled her phone from her back pocket, and flicked through the photos to find one she’d taken about a week earlier when he’d been sitting against the window of the cafe watching a young woman practically mount the man she was there with. His expression had been priceless, and Ella hadn’t been able to stop herself from taking a picture of him.

Darcy sighed at the photo, “That is a fine looking man, Ella. From now on, I get all the details when you come back looking all self satisfied.”

Ella had to laugh, “Alright, Darcy.”

That started the interrogation she endured every time she came home after seeing James. Things between the two of them heated up too.

At first, James had been worried that when Logan was around Ella would retreat, but she greeted him the very next time with a kiss, whispering, “Hey, handsome” against his lips.

“Hey yourself, darlin’.” He drawled as they pulled apart, nodding his head to Logan, “Hey, Bud.”

“Hi Mr. James!” The pale little boy said brightly.

“What are we doing today?” James asked the boy.

Logan scrunched up his face, “Coney Island! Heimdall said I’d like it there!”

Ella laughed tightly, looking annoyed, and said under her breath, “That man, I swear one day I’ll smack him.” She smiled at her son though, “Okay, mon chéri, but you have to promise to listen to me and not go too far from either of us.”

Logan smiled, and practically crawled up James’ legs. He’d been scared to death the first time the child had scrambled up into his arms, but he was used to it now. Ella groused about it constantly, telling her son that not everyone wanted to haul him around all the time, and he was getting to be too heavy for just anyone to pick up. She didn’t need to worry. The only thing that bothered James about carrying Logan was that every once in a while, the boy would start playing with his hair. Something about the sensation of another person’s hands in his hair sent shivers of fear down his spine. It mostly reminded him of how the machine that took James away and left the Winter Soldier behind had tugged on his hair. He didn’t want James to go away again because it meant that Ella would go away from him too.

It was easy to get Logan to leave his hair alone though. All he had to do was put the metal hand within the boy’s reach and he would fiddle with it, completely content. Ella looped her arm through his and rested her head against his shoulder as they walked around Coney Island. Ella, it turned out, for all her adventurous nature, hated roller coasters, and insisted on keeping her feet firmly on the ground. So James was the one to take Logan on the handful of rides remaining, and he loved every minute of it, especially the look on Ella’s face each time they rejoined her. They got Nathan’s Famous hot dogs that were just how he remembered them. He had also been struck with a memory of sticking his fingers in Steve’s mouth when the scrawny boy had choked on a chunk of hot dog. The day was littered with memories resurfacing, bits and pieces that came too fast and made too little sense, but he didn’t completely freeze up every time one came.

They ended up stopping nearby some chess tables that overlooked the beach, and James was shocked to find out that he knew how to play. Actually, he knew more than just how to play, he knew how to win. Ella didn’t stand a chance, and eventually just sat pouting with Logan sitting on her lap while he played James instead.

The five year old had better luck. He didn’t win their first round, but he was good enough that it made James have to think. Vaguely, he remembered playing chess with another woman with dark hair, but that woman had been British, not French-American. Her name had been Peggy.

He felt Ella’s hand on top of his flesh one, and looked up into her face, her green eyes relaying the concern her gentle smile tried to mask, “Hey, you with us?”

He nodded, blinking at her, realizing that his body had gone completely rigid. He forced himself to relax. “Sorry, lost in thought.”

Ella hummed, looking down at the chess board, “You know, you need to pay closer attention. I think Logan is about to beat you.”

He snorted at her, “Says the girl who can’t play chess to save her life.” But then he looked at the board and scoffed, “Well then. You play dirty, kid.”

Logan dissolved into giggles and Ella just laughed softly, messing with his black hair and staring at Bucky.

In the end, he won, but as a consolation, he bought the kid ice cream from a vendor they were standing next to while Ella had ducked into a ladies room. “You want to try to make it up to your spot tomorrow?” Ella asked, eyes on Logan as he ran around with his ice cream cone. She hoped no one noticed that his cone wasn’t melting, and was defying gravity a bit too well given his rambunctious movements.

“I’d like that.” He said, scanning the crowd, his arm slung over Ella’s shoulder.

Part-immortal or not, eventually Logan began to tire, and ended up in James’ arms, passed out with his hand still clenched around his mother’s. Ella kept leaning against James, resting her head on his shoulder, her free hand skimming up and down his back. It was peaceful, having Ella and Logan so close, the little boy’s cooled skin keeping James from overheating from Ella’s proximity.

“Excuse me.” A voice said from behind them. He turned slowly, the Winter Soldier instantly alert, ready to protect the mother and son from any sort of assault. It was a man with a camera. “You’re such a lovely family. Could I take a photo?”

He didn’t know how to respond. They’d never been mistaken for a family before, and the word sent him into a mental tailspin until he caught Ella’s gaze. She was smiling, and he suddenly realized that she didn’t mind the man’s mistake. How could she not be affronted that someone would attach her to him like that? He was a monster. He had no right to keep her. He had no right to touch her or the child currently obliviously asleep in his arms.

Ella made a soft noise, kissing his flesh shoulder, and even through his shirt and jacket, he felt the spark of electricity at her touch. She looked back up at him and gave a tiny shrug before she turned back to the man with the camera, “Of course.” She hesitated slightly, looking back at James, “If that’s alright with you.”

All he could do was nod, and let Ella steer him so that the lights from Coney Island were behind them like the photographer instructed. He was still on alert though, waiting for an attack, and it was a relief that neither the cameraman or Ella asked him to smile. He wasn’t sure he could have. The man asked to use their names, and Ella offered hers, rambling on for a minute about her last archeological dig, hoping to get funding for whatever museum in Prague the pieces had been donated to. She managed to keep the attention off James and Logan, letting him drift back so he could see their surroundings more clearly, keep an eye on her.

Ella’s watch beeped, and she gave a regretful smile to the man, “We’ve got to get going.”

They parted, James never having spoken a word to the other man. “You okay?” Ella asked as they walked the New York streets towards Stark Tower.

Again, he nodded, “Just been a long day.”

“I hear ya. This little dude’s gonna sleep good tonight. I might be able to drink my coffee in the morning without being pulled on. I’m not sure I’m going to know what to do with myself.” She joked, stroking Logan’s dark hair.

“That didn’t bother you?” He blurted.

She looked up at him in confusion, “About what? That guy taking our pictures? Not at all, kind of used to it. There’s cameras rolling during every excavation. Logan’s usually the one that steals the spot light.” She looked at him closer in the light of a lamppost. “That’s not what you meant, is it?” He shook his head, and she sighed, “I don’t mind, not at all. It’s kind of nice to imagine that I’m with a man who cares about me and my son, that I have a family.” She hesitated, “I’ve never had the semblance of that before. My mother would never have spent this much time with me, and my father... he was a purveyor of ‘higher culture’ as he used to call it.”

“You don’t talk about your family much.” He commented, knowing he was opening himself up to questions about his own past. Questions he wasn’t sure he could answer.

“I know.” Ella said softly, “My mother always hated me. I don’t know why, but I don’t have any memories of her being kind to me. My father doted on me, I always knew he loved me, but he’s got Alzheimer's, he hardly remembers who I am these days.” She took a steadying breath, “It’s awful, there’s a life time of memories there, but he can’t touch them anymore. All I can do is sit there and try to remind him. Mother stopped visiting after he’d been in assisted living for a month, pretty sure she’d divorce him if she didn’t think she’d be getting all his money.”

“He isn’t leaving you anything?” James asked, trying not to think about her startlingly true words on memory.

She shrugged, scrambling quickly to cover the fact that she knew her mother would out live her, “Besides his brain misfiring, my father’s a healthy sixty year old man. He could outlive all of us. Mother just likes being able to throw his name around at high society functions. She can’t be a braggart if she divorces her sick yet famous husband. She’s still got his credit cards anyway.”

“She’s done you and your father a terrible disservice, but I thank her for it.” He said suddenly, Ella looking up at him with a startled expression. He shifted his grip on Logan for the sake of looking more human, and continued, “Your father raised a wonderful daughter. Your mother sounds like someone unfit to ever be near a child. She could have ruined you, and we never would have gotten together.”

Ella had smiled all the way back to Stark Tower, and was all too ready for Logan to go with his uncle to Asgard the next morning. “I’ll be back!”

Darcy waggled her eyebrows at her on the way out, knowing that Ella planned to be gone for a while and had already asked Bruce to give her her next dose of medication, “Have fun! We won’t wait up!”

They didn’t stay at their cafe long, they couldn’t. The electricity of what they’d been denying themselves was too much. They went back to Central Park, and James insisted that she ride up the hill on his back. Ella hadn’t done something like that in decades, and kept reminding herself that they were in public and that she should restrain herself from thinking about other ways she wanted her legs around him.

He sat her back on the ground when they reached the spot he’d inexplicably remembered. Memories assailed him of coming up to that spot to draw with Steve, how he’d always been so frustrated that Steve could capture the essence of the scene better than he could on paper. He faintly remembered Steve falling down the steep hill and coming out the other side with a broken arm. He’d felt responsible for that one. He’d felt responsible for Steve getting hurt a lot, actually.

Ella looked out at the landscape, and back at the handsome man at her side, “It’s beautiful.” She slid her hand into his, “Completely worth it.”

“I’ve got a room with a kitchenette.” He suddenly blurted after they’d been standing there for a few minutes and dark clouds had started to roll in.

Ella grinned up at him slowly, “Well then let’s stop by the store on our way!”

They did just that, getting the ingredients for a recipe Ella swore was Logan’s favorite, but they didn’t even get as far as turning the stove on to boil water. It had started pouring rain when they’d been three blocks from his hotel room, so they both stood in rain sodden clothes, staring at each other.

Then the lights went out with a crack of thunder.

They moved in a flurry of inhumanly strong limbs, stripping clothes off and kissing each other everywhere. Once they’d both teased the other enough, they got to business, but Ella stiffened above him, gasping as he entered her for the first time. He went completely still, the atmosphere suddenly broken, “Did I hurt you?”

Shaking her head, she took a couple of deep breaths before lowering herself further and folding forward to kiss his tense face, “No, no, just give me a second.”

“Ella, I did hurt you!” He growled at her, cursing in Russian, his temper short, fueled by uncertainty and fear.

Ella kissed him again, her body sinking closer to his even as he tried to pull out of her, “Hey, James, cut that out. I’m fine.” She whispered to him in Russian until he finally moved again.

He felt her tense again and growled, “Damn it, don’t lie to make me feel better.”

“I’m not lying. It’s been a long time since I’ve let a man inside me, but I promise you it’s a good hurt.” She moved above him to illustrate her point, the slight pain heightening her pleasure and drawing a moan out of her.

He couldn’t exactly remember sex from before, but he was pretty certain he’d never been with a woman who clenched quite so tightly around him. It was agonizing bliss. “You’re perfect.” He whispered in the darkness, wishing he could see her better, but even with his enhanced vision, all he could make out was the green of her eyes when lightning flashed through the tiny windows.

She whispered to him then, dirty, filthy things that at first blush, he never would have thought her capable of saying. By doing so though, she kept him focused on her, and not on how desperately he wished he was the normal man she deserved. It also helped him feel like she didn’t notice how hard he was working not to move too fast or to push into the warmth of her body too roughly.

Ella on the other hand was more aggressive than he’d anticipated, both with her words and with how she seemed to take control once she realized he was overwhelmed. “I’ve got you. Tell me what you need.”

He kissed her collarbone, “I need you, just keep going, darlin’.”

“You sure?” She asked, breathing heavily.

He flipped them over, rocking into her and framing his body around hers, “I’m sure, Ella.”  
\--------------  
He woke later in the evening to kisses, noticing that the sun was setting and the storm was over. Perfect.

Ella kissed him languidly before pulling herself away, her face regretful, “I need to get back. I’m sure my friends and son are wondering where I disappeared to. I’d love nothing more than to stay right here though.”

James nodded, “I know what you mean. I need to get to my meeting tonight or Sam’s going to think I offed myself or something.”

She grinned, sliding out of bed, giving him full view of her perfect ass. She looked over her shoulder at him and smiled wryly. Respectfully, he looked down, trying not to be pleased by the marks on her body. She dressed herself and laid back down with him so she could kiss him some more, feeling greedy and selfish, and wholly unprepared to leave James’ bed.

He pulled away first, sure she needed to stop to breathe, and smiled hopefully at her, “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

She sighed wistfully, pushing herself back off the bed, “I could always...” She went suddenly silent right after she stood, and he looked up just in time to see her eyes roll back in her head and her whole body go limp.

He caught her, and realized that she was unconscious. Panic filled him. “Ella! Ella, wake up.” She was still breathing, barely, but was completely unresponsive. He was a killer, he knew nothing about what to do in this situation. He scooped her up in his arms and ran as fast as he could to get to the Stark building he had first met her outside of.

A man just inside the door recognized her instantly, “Miss Dubois!”

Ella was taken from his arms by several security guards, but he couldn’t follow. He had hurt her. That had to have been his fault. “Take care of her.” He ordered the large man that had recognized her before he left the building.

He was a killer, and he’d probably just killed the woman he loved. Had he accidentally held her too tight? Had he jostled her fragile body too much while carrying her up the hill and caused a brain bleed? The madness returned swiftly and he staggered along the street slipping on the rain drenched cement, walking with no true destination in his mind and he heart left behind with Ella in that damnable tower.


	10. Guilt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! I'm currently working off two computers, and the one that this story was on crapped out on me for a couple weeks after I'd been struggling with writer's block for a couple months. Got the computer fixed though, and the next chapter is almost done already.
> 
> Enjoy!

Good God she was warm, warmer than she’d been since Logan had taken root in her stomach and triggered massive changes in her body that had left her skin chilled all the time. A groan came from her side, and James’ voice made her open her eyes a little, just enough to see light coming in from the window, “We’ve got to get up, Darlin’.”

She moaned, closing her eyes and burying her face in her pillow, “No, Damnit, I want to sleep.”

He groaned again, “We’re gonna be late. Sam’ll be pissy. He’s been wanting to introduce his new gal to us.”

“What?” Since when did they get together with Sam? Sure, they both knew him, but that was a little weird, especially since Sam was her friend and James was his mentee.

James kissed her shoulder, “I told you the other day he wanted to have dinner with us.”

She had no idea what he was talking about, but that wasn’t really surprising, sometimes she was easily distracted, “Oh, yeah, okay. Let me go get Logan from home.”

“El, we are home.” James said, concern in his voice.

Ella looked around the bedroom. It wasn’t James’ rented room, and it wasn’t her room in the tower. “What the hell?”

“Ella, what’s wrong?” James asked, reaching out to put a hand on her arm.

She batted his hand away, staring at her own arm. It was blue. “What’s going on?”

He held up both hands to placate her.

They were both flesh.

He reached towards her.

Ella held a hand out and brushed his flesh with hers, his skin froze the instant it made contact with her own, the frost spreading and spreading until it covered his whole body and he was eerily still.

Ella jerked awake screaming, “James!”

“Woah!” Bruce Banner cried, jerking back just in time to keep her head from colliding with his.

“Where’s James?” She asked, panting. The last thing she remembered was standing up out of bed, still relishing in post-coital bliss. She looked down at herself in confusion. She’d still been naked last she remembered, but her clothes were back on, her bra adjusted like usual, like she’d dressed herself, only she didn’t remember getting redressed.

Bruce frowned at her, “Ella, do you know where you are?”

She looked around, getting her bearings, shaking the odd nightmare off to focus on reality and the very real fact that she couldn’t remember dressing herself. “Stark Tower, the med room.” She grabbed his arm, her short-circuiting brain finally catching up with the total reality of her situation, “The man I was with, I’m sure he brought me here, where is he?”

Bruce shook his head, “I don’t know. I was upstairs.”

“I have to find him.” Ella said urgently, yanking the IV out of her arm, hardly noticing the pinch of pain that was there and gone in a split second.

Bruce barred her exit, “Hold it, you fainted and missed a dose of your medication.”

Ella shoved against him, but he was large and she was weak from fainting, plus she hadn’t ever eaten dinner and the animalistic sex had kind of worn her out. He didn’t have to be the Hulk to more than outmatch her. She shoved against him like a child, frustration fueling anger, “Ugh! I’ve got to explain this to him. Let me go Bruce!”

“No, stay put.” He pleaded, stepping away from her, his arms out like she was a wild animal. “I’m going to go get Jane. Maybe she can talk sense into you.”

“Don’t you dare lock me in here!” Ella growled, but he had already slipped through the door and let the latch click into place by the time she got herself untangled from all the monitor wires and such. “Damn it!” She yelled in frustration, banging her closed fists against the cool metal door.

She stilled when her skin turned alien blue again, for the first time since touching the Jötunn who had given her her son, a days old Logan, or being cold. Wary of the cameras she knew were in the room, she tucked her hands against her sides with her arms crossed, willing the blue to fade. Bruce was the only one in the building she wanted to know, and even then they had never talked about it. Her little nightmare had been more than enough of a reminder for the day, she didn’t need everyone in the tower pitching a fit over it.

She leaned her back against the door, “JARVIS, will you please let me out?”

“Negative, Miss Dubois, not until your heart rate has lowered to an acceptable range for your continued survival.” The AI replied evenly.

Ella sighed, breathing deeply until the lock clicked open, “Thank you, JARVIS.”

“Any time, Miss.”

She moved into the main area just as someone queued up the surveillance video of her return to Stark Tower. “Bucky?” Steve gasped out at the image of her limp in James’ grip. Natasha noticed Ella, and jerked her head at Steve. Captain America turned to fix Ella with his cool blue eyes, “How do you know him?

Ella blinked a few times, confused by the tension in the room, “Uh... That’s James. We’ve been seeing each other for a few months, first as friends, but then...”

“Did he hurt you? Is that why you fainted?” Steve demanded, cutting her off and stepping closer.

Ella scowled at the man, “No, he’s never hurt me. It’s my own damn fault I fainted. Ask Bruce, I missed a dosage by over two hours. I didn’t want to leave though. We were having a really nice time. I was doing okay, but we... uh... kissed and my heart rate must have spiked too much. Really it was my fault. I can only imagine how he’s feeling right now, that’s why I need to find him.”

“You know where he is?” Steve said, voice almost at a whisper.

She shook her head, “Not if he’s not at his hotel room. We always just met out someplace. Usually the cafe four blocks south of here.”

“What hotel?” Natasha asked, fingers hovering over the computer’s keyboard even before Ella spoke the name of the tiny place her James called home.

“Would someone please fill me in on what the big ass deal is? James is harmless. I mean, I think he’s a veteran or something, I tried not to push too hard for information. That’s usually considered rude, and he displays a gamut of PTSD symptoms, pretty sure his past wasn’t a pleasant one, but he’s never shown any ounce of violence. Nothing to be worried about, he wouldn’t hurt me.” She watched the micro-expressions on Steve’s face, “Why are you so interested in him?”

Steve was more upset than she’d ever seen him, his All-American boyish good looks contorted and strained. A vein pulsed in his forehead, “Because he is James Buchanan Barnes, Bucky. He was my best friend before HYDRA turned him into a science experiment. He’s lost his mind, Ella. He’s dangerous and needs to be somewhere he can get help.”

“Well that would explain the advanced cybernetic arm.” Ella said dully, sitting down heavily on a stool, trying not to let her head start aching like it wanted to.

Bruce made a noise of curiosity, “He showed it to you?”

Ella shrugged, “I’ve known he had a prosthetic arm since we met. Logan could sense it. I hadn’t seen it until about a month ago though. We were out walking and he was literally burning up with this stupid flannel shirt on, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I convinced him to take it off.”

“Oh, and you kissed, tell me about that!” Darcy called, hanging over the back of the sofa next to a very concerned looking Jane.

“It was...nice.” Ella said nervously, looking warily at Steve who looked a second from losing it completely. She wasn’t about to tell them that she and James had been kissing for weeks and that they’d spent nearly the entire day having sex so mind-blowing she’d forgotten to come up for air long enough to properly medicate herself. Good God, she was a complete idiot.

Darcy winked at her, somehow understanding that they’d done far more than just a little kissing, “We’ll chat later, girl.”

“I need to find him.” Ella said again, “He probably thinks he hurt me somehow.”

“Why would he think that? Doesn’t he...? Oh.” Jane said shortly, taking in the stricken expression on her best friend’s face, “You didn’t tell him.”

Ella felt shame wash her face in what she hoped was pink, “No. I didn’t think there would be feelings, and I was just really enjoying not being around someone who looked at me like a ticking time bomb.”

“We don’t look at you like that.” Jane rebuffed.

Ella scoffed at her friend, “Yes you do. You all do. James doesn’t. He sees me, just the single mother who’s a renowned archeologist who’s been blessed to travel the world and share it with her son. We talk about languages, and places we’ve been. About places we’d like to see again. The three of us play chess for hours. Not once has he ever looked at me like you all do, and it’s been amazing.”

“You’re in love with him.” Jane whispered.

Ella let out a ragged breath, the realization hitting her like a ton of bricks, “Yeah, I guess I am. First time I ever fall in love with someone, and he’s got more baggage than I do. What are the odds?” She worried her bottom lip between her teeth in anxiety, “If he’s as messed up as you say he is, how’s he going to react to thinking that he hurt me?”

“Not well.” Steve said softly.

“Right, that’s what I’m afraid of.” Ella mumbled, pinching her eyes closed, “I shouldn’t have kept my health shit from him, but...”

“What, Ella?” Jane asked, wondering how she’d missed the drastic change in her best friend’s attitude.

Ella shrugged one shoulder, “It’s just... I don’t think either of us were expecting to fall in love over my squealing kid and cheap cafe food.” She shook her head, “That doesn’t matter though. Got to stick to the task at hand.” Ella fixed Jane with a stern expression, “Where’s Logan? He and Thor should be back already, right?”

Jane looked at the clock on the wall, only mildly surprised by Ella’s rapidly vacillating mood, “Soon, he and Thor had dinner with Thor’s parents. Once you showed up, I sent a message for him to delay returning with Logan. I know you don’t like him to see you out.”

“That’s really great, and I’m so thrilled that he has grandparents, but we need him.” Ella rushed, standing swiftly and heading for the open doorway.

“What? Why?” Steve asked, following her out into the hall.

Ella sighed, but kept walking, “I never told you all that part of Logan’s abilities includes being able to sense metallic elements. He can find James...I think.”

“Your son could have found Bucky this whole time and you’re just mentioning this now?” Steve growled, barely restraining himself.

“Yeah, well, figured the potential to accidentally freeze people’s limbs off was more pressing than the fact that he’s got a sixth sense for what shit is in stuff. That, and you all never said anything to me about a man named Bucky running around with a metal arm. I don’t know everything!” Ella snapped, going into her room and closing the door in Steve’s face.

She changed quickly, opting for clothes she could move around easily in, most from her pre-Logan archeologist life. That wasn’t really a good sign though, it meant she was losing weight she really didn’t have to lose in her condition. She couldn’t believe Bruce hadn’t started bitching to her about it. That couldn’t be good. She grabbed an energy bar, knowing she would need it once the adrenaline started to wear off. Hopefully they found James before that happened.

Swinging the door open and nearly slamming it into Steve’s perfectly obnoxious face, Ella rushed back into the common room when she heard the elevator arrive from the roof. “Maman!” Logan cried gleefully, throwing himself at her.

“Mon chéri, did you have a good day?” She asked, looking over his shoulder at Thor, who gave her an easy smile that indicated Loki hadn’t tried to teach her son how to plot world domination. Wonderful, she’d hate to have to pencil in castrating the father of her child between locating her possibly insane lover and dying. That would be such a drag, and more drama than she could stand. Plus, she was pretty sure his Jotun healing would make that task more than a little difficult.

“I did, Maman!” Logan said, dropping back down to the ground and smiling up at her.

Ella knelt to get eye level with her little boy, brushing some of his black hair out of his face, “I’m so glad. Your Maman needs a favor, though.” She took a deep breath, slowing herself down, “I upset Mr. James, and I really need to go apologize to him. Do you think you could find him for me?”

Logan nodded slowly, his eyes drifting to the side as if he was already searching for the man, “I think so.”

“I know you’ll do your best, and that’s all I can ask for. No pressure, baby.” Ella assured him, pushing back her own anxiety so she wouldn’t emotionally scar her son. God knew his genetics predisposed him to emotionally scarring, but she certainly didn’t need to help anymore than she already was with her untimely death.

Logan grinned, looking eerily like his father, “If I find him, can he come back here so I can show him my room?”

Ella glanced up at Steve for a split second, “Yeah, mon chéri, I think he’ll be around more often.”

“I’d like that!” Logan said brightly, taking her hand and leading her to the elevator. Bruce and Jane followed for fear of Ella’s condition, Thor for Jane and his nephew’s safety, but Steve led the charge carrying Logan and only walking so slowly because Ella told him in no uncertain terms was he to run off with her son and scare James any further. Logan for his part seemed to be riding on some sort of Asgardian sugar high, leading them further and further away from the tower they all called home with an uncalled for glee.

“How can he know where the Winter Soldier is?” Thor asked in amazement.

“They’ve spent a lot of time together, and from what I’ve got from Logan, the metal in James’ arm is unusual. Lo’s been able to feel when James is approaching since the second time we saw him.” Ella tipped her head, “Probably the first time, now that I think about it. He slipped out the tower doors and I found him hanging on to James’ arm.”

Logan wriggled in Steve’s arms, pointing his arm up, “There Maman. Mr. James is in the pretty tower.”

They all stared up at the tower, which was the steeple of a church, “He came here with his family every Sunday till he shipped out.”

Ella took Logan from Steve and passed him to Thor, “Steve and I are going inside, mon chéri. You stay here with your Uncle Thor, okay?”

He nodded solemnly, “You’re bringing Mr. James out?”

Ella kissed his cool cheek, “That’s the plan. We’ll be back soon.”

Steve protested about her going in, convinced that she would get hurt, but she knew better. Unless James saw that she was okay, he wouldn’t believe it. That, and she didn’t trust that he wouldn’t view Steve as a threat and bolt. The man wasn’t doing a very good job of making himself look comforting or nonthreatening.

Ella heard James the same second Steve did, and they both jerked their eyes up and said in unison, “There.” Steve wasn’t as disturbed by their little synchronized moment as Ella was, but he did get even more nervous the closer they got.

Ella wanted to cry when she laid eyes on James. He was crouched defensively against one of the walls, hands clutched against the side of his head, pulling his hair as he muttered rapidly in Russian, his eyes wide open yet utterly unseeing. “Oh, James.” She whispered, further alarmed when he didn’t react at all to her expression of alarm.

Steve grabbed a hold of her arm when she went to get closer, “I should...”

“No, Steve. I need to do this. Besides, do you speak fluent Russian?” She didn’t know if he could, but it was the only argument she had that wasn’t full of guilt and love she was sure he wouldn’t respond to. He carried his own love and guilt for James, she could tell that much.

He shook his head slightly, and let her go.

Ella walked slowly towards him, pausing a few feet from him, close enough to hear his manic whispers. They were more than enough to compound the guilt rotting in the pit of her stomach, but they made her even more determined to get him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos are welcome!


	11. Bucky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Ella bring James back from the brink.

Ella approached him slowly, “James?”

He looked at her with wild eyes, and whispered to himself, “Ghost. I killed you.”

Despite Steve’s anxious presence behind her, Ella knelt next to James, putting a hand on his flesh arm, “No, baby, you didn’t. I’m okay, just a little fainting spell. I’m alright.”

He looked at her and seemed to see her again, but there was still a fog there, “I hurt you.”

She repeated herself, “No you didn’t.” She took a deep breath, “James, I fainted because I skipped taking my medicine.”

“I don’t understand.” He said, even as she took his warm hand in hers.

Ella stared at their joined hands, knowing how fortunate they were that she hadn’t totally scrambled him already. “I’m sick, James. Brain cancer. My friends have this amazing treatment, but it won’t keep me alive forever. And if I miss a dose, well, you saw what happened. Too much inter-cranial pressure and I black out. Would have happened regardless of what we were doing because I ignored my stupid watch.” She moved some of his dark hair out of his face much like she’d done earlier to Logan, “I woke up worried I’d upset you. But now I’m a little pissed.”

“Why?” He said, responding to the only part of the conversation he’d really comprehended. She certainly didn’t look sick.

“Because you left me there. You should have stayed inside, come upstairs.” Ella told him evenly before gesturing behind her, “Besides me, there were other people looking for you.” Before he could say anything, she added, “And I didn’t even know until I woke up screaming for you. You can imagine that was quite a mess. I’m stubborn as hell, and you’ve got a stubborn best friend. A little clingy though, following you through time and all. I mean really, the Star-Spangled Man with a Plan needs to get a life.”

“Steve.” He said, finally examining the man behind Ella.

The other man gave a bright smile that reminded him of Ella’s, “Hey, Buck.”

Ella giggled, “About that, I kind of like Bucky. It suits you, and it’s pretty damn sexy. Why tell me to call you James?”

“I didn’t feel like Bucky then.” He explained.

Ella shrugged, “Meh, I don’t really feel like an Elizaveta. I get it. Some days I don’t even feel like an Ella, but deep down, that’s who I am. How does Bucky feel now?”

He looked between the two of them, “Better, but...”

“What?” Ella prompted when he trailed off.

“I like it when you call me James.” He admitted.

Ella grinned at him, “Well that doesn’t have to change. But you know, to work out what name I call you, you’ve got to come back to the tower with us. Think I’m gonna have to arm wrestle Steve here for time with you.” She shot the blond man an impish grin, “Think I may have you step in for me there. Steve would win every time, and there’s just no fun in that.”

“Like me playing chess against you.” James said with an equally impish grin.

Ella groaned, “Low blow, James, low blow. Come on, Logan’s outside, I’m sure he’d love a rematch from last week.”

James’ expression faltered, “Knowing what...who I am, you’d still let me around your son?”

Ella nodded, kissing him deeply to wipe the expression off his face, “Of course. And I have been keeping some secrets too. I may be dying a slow death, but Logan, he’s basically a demi-god. I really doubt you could ever hurt him.” She herself had never had more than a bruise since giving birth, and they were usually from needles that Bruce stuck her with, but there had definitely been a fall during her last excavation that should have snapped her arm in half but didn’t. Yes, she had a lot of secrets, but at least James wasn’t so in the dark anymore.

“Mr. James!” Logan yelled as they exited the narrow cathedral stairs, jerking out of his uncle’s grip to throw himself at James like he’d done to his mother two hours earlier. 

Bucky caught him with ease, and a gentleness that surprised Steve, “Hey, bud. Sorry I upset your mother.”

“That’s okay, I found you, so she’s happy again.” Logan explained with the ease of a self-assured child, curling himself against James.

“You’re right, I am happy.” Ella said, leaning against James to kiss her son on the cheek while they continued walking.

Needles slammed into the back of her shoulder and she hissed in pain, “Fuck, Bruce!”

The scientist looked unapologetic, but wary of the Winter Soldier’s presence, “Gotta keep you on schedule.”

“Asshole.” She hissed before remembering her son was present, “Oh, please don’t repeat any of that, mon chéri. At least not in English where you can get me into real trouble, okay? One day your Maman will teach you a whole slew of French curses. They’re much prettier.” Then she realized that Logan was fast asleep against James’ broad chest. “Oh, sweet boy. Way past your bed time. Guess the sugar high wore off.”

“Ah yes, Asgardian chocolate had the same effect on Loki as a child.” Thor explained in a hushed voice that was still a normal speaking voice for anyone else.

“Thor, shhh!” Ella hissed, scowling at him.

His eyes got comically wide, and he ducked back to Jane’s side, “Forgive me, Lady Ella.”

“All good.” She assured him, smiling.

James adjusted his grip on the sleeping boy so he could take Ella’s right hand into his mechanical left. At least he could focus on them and not the others around them. They walked through those glass doors he’d only gotten the guts to go through hours earlier, and then got into an elevator that took them up over three dozen floors, “Give him to me.” Ella demanded softly, reaching her hands out for her son. James hesitated, thinking that she was going to take Logan so the others could attack him, but she just touched the side of his face, and pressed a tender kiss to his lips, “Logan wants to show you his room. He’ll be devastated if you see it while he’s asleep. I’ll be right back, promise. No one is going to hurt you.” She said the last statement and glared at the present company.

James helped her take on Logan’s weight, and watched apprehensively as she walked down a narrow hallway.

“You look good, Buck.” Steve said finally, regarding his old friend with cautious optimism.

James gave a half grin, “Have to, have you seen her? No way I could look like a Russian caveman with a lady like that.”

“I’ll be sure to tell her you said that.” The petite brunette woman who’d followed them in said gently, before moving to talk to the man who had jabbed Ella with needles with a worried expression on her face.

“That’s Jane, she’s been Ella’s best friend since they were kids.” Steve hesitated to add, “Kind of like us.”

Bucky looked at the man, truly for the first time. “I wish I could remember us. I get bits and pieces of memories, but you have a lifetime.”

“I’m sure Steve will share.” Ella said from behind him, slipping her hand back into his. The elevator door opened and he startled, unconsciously squeezing her hand. For a horrific second he was sure he’d gripped her too tight, could tell that the bones within his iron grip should have been breaking, but Ella just put her free hand on his shoulder, “It’s okay. Tony is an ass, but he’s not that scary. Relax.”

He did as she said, smarting at her, “If you say so.”, and then noticed Steve staring at him, “What?”

Steve seemed at a loss, “You’re so...normal. You may not have the memories, but you’re Bucky again.”

“A sucker?” Tony supplied, “First model looking French chick walks up to you and you turn to mush. That’s really not an attractive quality in a world-renowned assassin.”

“Tony!” Ella shrieked, but James held her back.

“No, Ella.” He whispered into her ear before straightening back up, “Mr. Stark, any time you want to go a round, just let me know. I’ll be glad to show you how much I’m not ‘mush’.”

Steve started laughing hysterically, and everyone just gawked at him. Ella whispered to James, “I think your best-friend is broken.”

“I think we all need sleep.” Jane said sternly, narrowing her eyes at Ella, “Especially you. We’re taking more blood tomorrow.”

Ella winced, “Fantastic. Love blood draws, favorite part of the day really.”

James was completely still. That was what she’d meant. She was sick, she was dying. The vibrant woman he’d fallen in love with was dying. The brilliant little boy he adored was losing his mother. In what world was that right?

The conversation had continued while he was in his thoughts, but he heard it when Ella said, “Nonsense, James will stay in my room. No need to bother anyone to make up a room.”

Steve was serious again, “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.” James agreed with him.

Ella scoffed, “Steve, I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself! Besides, he’s had plenty of time to kill me all the times we were making out and such, and he didn’t. I think I’m okay.”

Ella dragged him to her bedroom, surprisingly strong, especially for a dying woman. “Ella, wait.” He protested when she shut the door behind him.

“No, I’m not waiting.” She said firmly, pulling off her sweater, “I don’t have the luxury of waiting for things anymore.” Standing in only her strapless bra and cargo pants, she stared him down, “If you don’t come help me out of these clothes at the very least to snuggle, I’ll have JARVIS make you sleep outside on the patio.”

He knew he should take the porch, but the sight of her bare skin spread out in front of him was tantalizing. He should have left, kept her safe by keeping distance between them, but he found himself standing right in front of her, skimming one hand along her shoulders and across her collarbone. “You’re so beautiful.”

“Hard to imagine I’m dying, right?” Ella whispered, grabbing his hand when he went to pull it away, “Come on, James. Yes, I’m dying, but if I’m not living to the fullest then I’m already dead. Life’s not about just surviving. It’s about living!”

“You would spend your last days with me?” He said in disbelief, wondering what he would possibly do when she was gone.

Ella nodded, sliding her arms around his neck, “Yeah, with you and Logan, and Jane. The three most important people in the world to me. I know Jane is worried. The treatments aren’t lasting as long, they bought me more time than I could ever have imagined, but I won’t have too much longer. That’s the real question, James. Do you want to spend my last days with me? I understand if you don’t. I’m like a time bomb, I know that, but you need to tell me now if it’s too much for you.”

He wasn’t about to leave her. She was the first person who’d treated him like a person in a very long time. He wasn’t going to let her die without a fight, but she didn’t need to know that now. All she needed to know was that he was more than capable of standing by her side until the end of the line. He expressed that sentiment by grabbing her hips and devouring her mouth with his.

They’d had sex before, but now he was noticing all the scars on her body in the light. He kissed one just below her collarbone, and she moaned, catching her breath to explain, “I did a round of chemo, they put a port in. It sucked, I didn’t want that for me and Logan, so I had them pull the damned thing out. Left an ugly scar, right?”

“You’re still beautiful.” He whispered against her skin.

“You’re not so bad yourself.” She whispered back, kissing his forehead and snaking her hands down to undo the button on the top of his pants. He didn’t wait that long though, and simply ripped her pants from her body and tore his spectacularly to get them off his hips. Ella whined in dissatisfaction, “I liked those pants on you.”

“I can get new ones.” He grunted, slipping his flesh hand into her underwear to sink two fingers into her body.

Ella moaned, but found the nerve to continue chastising him, “But that’s the pair I mended the hole Logan froze into them. Memories and such.”

James made quick work of driving her chastisements out of her head until the only thing she could think about was how much she loved every damned part of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My goodness, a whole year! I'm so sorry! There was drama and this file got lost, but I found it! Fingers crossed it doesn't take another year for the next one. Your comments and kudos continue to be amazing, and I hope you guys are still there!
> 
> -Jenn


	12. Spiral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More drama ahead folks!

They stayed in a bubble of happiness for what felt like weeks on end, but it all came to a halt rather quickly:

First it was the dizzy spells, and it got to the point where Ella couldn’t do much more than walk around the apartment without teetering dangerously.

Then, it was the headaches.

It came to a head one afternoon while the Avengers were training, leaving Ella with Jane because Logan couldn’t bare to miss out on the opportunity to watch all the heroes in his life work out.

It had been a few minutes since the end of their last conversation, but silence with Ella wasn’t normal. Jane glanced over at her friend, who was staring at the wall, “Ella?” The other woman didn’t look at her. She set her book down and stood, “El?” Still no response, and Jane moved to touch her shoulder. “Ella?”

Ella gasped, blinking rapidly at her, “I’m-I’m sorry. What were you saying?”

“I wasn’t saying anything.” Jane said slowly. “You were reading.”

Ella looked down at the book in her hands in confusion, briefly noting the way her left hand was limply resting on her thigh, not actually holding any of the book’s small weight. “Oh.” She exhaled slightly, her face twitching, “Guess that’s started now.”

Jane sat down next to her, “What?”

“The confusion. Spacing out.” Ella said, her voice hardly above a whisper, “That’s just going to get worse. Also... Means I’ve got three to six weeks left. Probably closer to six because of my age, but this is it, downhill from here.” She wasn’t concentrating, so the left side of her face had dropped noticeably, aging her by decades when combined with the hopeless emptiness in her eyes.

Jane reached towards her, but Ella brightened in an instant, “Do you think Logan wants some fruit?”

Jane blinked at her friend in confusion, “Where did that come from?”

“I’m going to die soon.” Ella said just as easily as if she was pointing out the weather outside. She started to stand and Jane reached to help her, wary of how she was behaving and how unstable she was looking. Ella lashed out with her left arm, barely missing Jane, “I don’t need your help, Jane!”

Ella fell before she could take a second step, her left leg not cooperating with the rest of her body. And then James was there, catching her like she weighed nothing, whispering to Jane, “I’ve got her.”

Jane wanted to refuse, to insist that she stay with her friend, but Ella would never have accepted her help. Between the two of them, she’d been the strong one, always protecting Jane when people made fun of the tiny brunette be-speckled girl. Her pride wouldn’t allow her to let Jane take care of her anymore than she already had.

The next two weeks were a downward spiral with more headaches, disorientation, and, the worst addition, uncontrollable seizures. They’d all gotten used to whisking Logan away at the slightest notice and someone grabbing her so she didn’t hurt herself. Ella still insisted on keeping her boy in the dark. “I don’t want him to know.” She said stubbornly when James begged her to let them tell the kid.

He stroked some of her hair out of her face, “El, it’s going to be harder for him if you’re just gone one day. Give him the chance to make those last memories count.”

She was shaking, and started panting, “I-I can’t.”

Another seizure resulted from that conversation.

Over the next two days Ella deteriorated even further, sleeping a lot. Logan noticed. He would have had to have been blind not to, no matter how hard she tried to keep up her brave face. He crawled into bed with her one morning, a chocolate muffin in hand. She stirred and blinked sluggishly, “Lo?”

He held the muffin out to her, “Miss Darcy bought it. Daddy said it would make you feel better.”

“Daddy.” Ella repeated, looking over Logan’s head at James, who was standing by the door. “You were gone?”

James shrugged, “Kid insisted after he came back from Asgard, and Darcy’s a sucker.”

Ella smiled at her boy, “Mon chéri, I really don’t like chocolate.” He blinked steadily, holding the muffin out expectantly, and she caved, her lifelong distaste of chocolate nothing against his sweet face, “Okay, I’ll give it a try.”

James was watching her intently as she ate, and noticed almost instantly that her eyes dilated and her breaths grew quicker. Stronger. A second later, and her sallow skin flushed. She suddenly looked far more like the girl he’d first met than she had in weeks. “Miss Foster!” He yelled out into the living area just beyond Ella’s room.

Jane was there in seconds, stuttering to a halt at his side, “What did you do?”

Logan was smiling proudly, “I helped Maman!”

Ella gasped as he threw his arms around her neck, staring at Jane and James. Confusion etched on every inch of her face, “I-I feel great. Fabulous actually.”

James held her hand in his, concerned by the sudden change, “Chocolate did this?”

Jane stared at her friend, “You hate chocolate.”

Ella nodded, “I always have.”

Jane held the box out to James, “Where did this come from?”

He shrugged, “Darcy bought it a half hour ago down the street.”

Ella pushed the blanket off her legs that had become an almost permanent fixture there. “I always hated chocolate. My father loved it, but he liked it bitter. I always avoided it, even when I realized dark chocolate isn’t the only way chocolate is made. I haven’t had any since I was a kid.”

She frowned, looking down at her son, half a muffin still in her hand, and her face told a story of someone trying to put something together but failing. She struggled to finish her sentence, “When I was pregnant though…I craved…this.” Ella shoved the rest of the muffin in her mouth, barely chewing it before she swallowed and started talking again at a rapid fire speed, “I mean, like chocolate, what this tastes like. Crisp, intense, creamy, fluffy, everything at once.” Ella came to her feet fluidly, Logan in her arms, and started walking around the room she and James shared, continuing to ramble about the damned muffin while Jane and James stared at one another.

“What the hell?” James finally muttered.

Jane shook her head, “I have no idea.” It took the both of them ten minutes to get Ella to calm down enough to let Jane take a blood sample.

Ella was standing at the window playing ‘I Spy’ with Logan, a half eaten slice of pizza (her sixth) in one hand, when she suddenly leaned forward, bracing her forearm on the glass, cutting her eyes over to James, “I don’t feel so good.”

He grabbed her around the waist, holding her back to his chest and forcing a smile in Logan’s direction, “Why don’t you go clean that pizza off your face, kid?”

Logan’s ice blue eyes were fixated on Ella, and it took Jane tugging his sleeve in the direction of the restroom before he left them.

Ella fell asleep almost as quickly as the manic high had come on, and James had to carry her back to bed focusing on the fact that she was still breathing. He stared at her sleeping form, wondering what he was going to do. She looked so tired. Even more tired than she’d been before the chocolate. She was going to die. And soon. He’d known it for weeks, but seeing her like she’d been made it even more obvious just how bad she’d gotten.

They had a team meeting that night.

And the night after that.

And then everyone watched with rapt attention as Jane and Bruce gave Ella measured amounts of a Hershey bar and monitored her every vital sign.

“An upper.” Bruce finally determined. “She’s reacting to chocolate like it’s an upper. Ecstasy. Cocaine.”

Ella smiled sadly at them all, but seemed more present, and certainly had more color in her cheeks already, “Temporary. They’re all temporary.”

“Addictive too.” Bruce added.

Ella looked wryly at him, “I’m not sure that really matters in this case.” Everyone grimaced, but Ella stood slowly, kissing James on the cheek, “I’m going to use this time to be with my son.”

Jane rubbed her face with both hands, “You have to tell him, Ella.”

She nodded, “I know. But not today. Soon.”

Soon turned out to be three weeks later, and ended up being even more terrible than anyone had expected:

“Lo, you know that Maman is sick?” Ella began, brushing hair out of his face.

Logan nodded sharply, glancing at those assembled- Jane, Bruce, Tony, Steve, Natasha, and, finally, James.

Ella continued hesitantly, “I’m not getting better, and someday soon I’m going to have to go away.”

“I’ll come with you.” Logan insisted.

Ella sucked in a breath, “Oh, mon chéri, where I am going you cannot follow.”

He shook his head, face pulled tight in consternation, “I will. Daddy said I can do what I want.”

Behind them Tony chuckled, and Ella was pretty sure Jane elbowed him, but she only had eyes for her little boy, “No, Logan. You can’t come with me. I’ll be going alone. You will stay here with your Tante, Uncle Thor, Mr. James, and you’ll visit your daddy and Amma all the time. You’ll have a great birthday next month, and you will never go a moment in your life without love. I just won’t be there.”

Logan took a step back from her, tears welling in his eyes. “No.”

“Lo,” Ella began, but cut herself off when blue rippled across his skin.

“Stay.” He demanded, eyes flashing auburn for a split second before fading back to blue as he took another step away from her. “Maman will be at my birthday.”

Ella sighed, blinking away tears and fighting a wave of exhaustion, “No, I won’t.”

“Yes you will!” He yelled.

Ella reached out to him, missed, and almost tumbled off the edge of the bed she’d been sitting on. James caught her shoulder, whispering her name as he pulled her upright. Logan started panting, tears spilling down his face, and James made eye contact with Jane over Ella’s shoulder. Jane moved towards Logan, “Hey, kiddo, why don’t we go get you some water.”

“No Tante.” Logan told her, flinching away from her seeking touch. The air around the child visibly chilled, and James took over instead, scooping him up and taking him down the hall and into the main living area. 

For the first time in the months they’d known one another, Logan fought James. The small child screamed and the temperature in the room dropped drastically as Logan banged his fists against James’ vibrainium arm.

Tony joined them, Iron Man suit on already, “He’s giving off detectable amounts of alien radiation right now. Whatever his Pop-sicle has been teaching him isn’t helping this temper tantrum.”

James grit his teeth as Logan threw his head back into James’ chin, “You think I don’t know that?”

“How can I help?” Steve asked his friend.

“Words, Steve. You do words.” James yelled over the boy’s sobs and the unnatural wind that had begun blowing in the apartment.

Steve had barely opened his mouth to attempt to soothe the hurting child when JARVIS announced that intruders had infiltrated the building. James clutched Logan tighter while the Avengers formed a loose circle around them both.

Logan just kept screaming. At least until a concussive blast had them all ducking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I again apologize for the long wait between these last chapters! The next chapter is completely written, as is most of the rest of this story, and I am committed to getting the remaining parts out in a much more timely fashion.
> 
> Your comments and kudos are always appreciated!  
> -Jenn


	13. Shattered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some more drama in this extra long chapter, and an appearance from SHIELD!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this part of the story years ago and have stopped watching Agents of Shield so I'm aware that all the characters have changed quite a bit from here, apologies!

S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents rushed into the floor, all stunned to be greeted by the assembled Avengers. Agent Coulson split the small crowd of agents after a few seconds, confusion marring the usual awe present on his face at the presence of Captain America. “Captain?”

Steve edged forward, intimately aware of how close Bucky was from lashing out at them all. He was barely reacting any better than the kid was, “Phil, you need to leave.”

“Negative, Captain. We’re here to investigate a 0-8-4.” He said resolutely, looking around the large room.

Logan broke the silence, howling, yet again, “Maman!”

Bucky clutched the little boy to his chest with his metal arm, trying to contain him as well as protect him, ignoring the painful chill the limb was causing him. “Shh, bud. It’ll be okay. Darcy’s bringing you something to eat soon.”

“No!” Logan screamed and the lights above them shattered.

Coulson stared at the little boy he could now see over Captain America’s shoulder, “Our 0-8-4 is a little boy?”

“Fuck off, Coulson. The kid’s mother is dying.” Tony Stark hissed, flipping his mask open to glare at the team.

A beautiful but pale woman sighed heavily, walking out of the residential hallway to their right, leaning on the wall, “I’m not dead yet, Tony.”

“You can’t leave!” The child screamed.

The woman sighed again, approaching the man holding the child with a stilted walk. She fearlessly touched the boy, cupping his face in her hands, “Lo, mon chéri, you need to stop.” The boy reached out for her, tears streaming down his face and freezing before they left his skin and falling like diamonds onto the floor. The woman reached to take him but the man hesitated. She scowled, “James, I can take him.”

He let her take the boy, but had to instantly reach out to steady her. “Easy, Ella.”

“Maman!” The boy sobbed, burying his face in her shoulder.

The woman, Ella, took one staggered step back and dropped to the stool behind her, landing hard, “Ow.”

The boy stopped crying, pulling back to look at her face with a hiccup, “Maman?”

Ella pulled black hair out of his face, “I’m okay, mon chéri, just clumsy. You need to calm down though. We have visitors.” He looked around, like he had just noticed the group of strangers, panted a couple of times before returning himself to his mother’s shoulder.

Coulson smiled pleasantly at them, “Hi. I’m Phil Coulson, would you like to explain what is going on?”

Ella leaned against the man who’d been holding her child when he sat on the stool behind her with a protective arm framing her side. Ella rubbed the boy’s back, smiling wanly, “I just had to tell my five year old that I won’t be alive for his sixth birthday.”

“All the stuff with the lights? The odd radiation we’ve been tracking? Anything to explain that?” The nerdy looking British woman behind Coulson asked.

“He’s part Jötunn. That was him throwing a temper tantrum. Sorry he disturbed you all.” Ella said softly, still rubbing the boy’s back even as his arms went slack.

“She needs to be back in bed.” The man behind her said sternly.

Coulson noticed how heavily she was breathing, how she was blinking slowly as her head bobbed ever so slightly. Bruce Banner strode towards her, “Barnes, grab him. She’s about to seize again.”

The boy was back in the large man’s arms again in an instant, and Bruce grabbed her forearms as she started seizing. He lowered her to the floor swiftly, and Jane Foster was suddenly there cupping her head so she didn’t slam it against the tile. Coulson watched the care that Dr. Foster took with interest, and could hear her whispering, “Breathe, Ella. We’ve got you.”

Simmons joined the fray, even when Fitz hissed at her to stay back. Banner took her appearance in stride, and began spewing medical terms at her that meant nothing to Coulson. “My God.” Simmons gasped, glancing at the little boy still fast asleep in the strange man’s arms.

Ella’s seizure ended a couple of seconds later, and she lay gasping for breath, her head in Jane’s lap. “Shit.” She uttered with a slight slur, staring up at Jane. “Again?”

Jane nodded, “Yeah, again. We told you to stay in bed, Ella.”

“And listen to my son cry like that? No chance in hell.” Ella said with a groan, sitting up.

“No, you need to stay laying down.” Simmons demanded, half frantic.

Ella gave her a small grin, “Thank you for your concern.” She held her hands out to the man holding her child, “Get me up?”

He clenched his jaw, but settled the still sleeping child onto his right hip, holding out his left hand for her to grab. He pulled her up with a jerking motion, but it was obvious that most of her weight was resting on him as he put an arm around her waist, “Are you okay?”

She kissed his cheek, “Still dying, but not dead yet.”

Coulson noted his metal arm then, not interested in listening to Ella console her son after that, “You’re the Winter Soldier.”

He shook his head, looking deadly even with a child on one hip and a woman leaning on the other, “Not anymore. James ‘Bucky’ Barnes.”  
“Sofa?” Ella asked, and the man calling himself James ‘Bucky’ Barnes nodded, helping her take the couple of steps so he could lower her to the sofa. A moment later he draped her son over her lap. Ella sighed, looking exhausted, but relieved to have her child back again.

“Did you say he was part Jötunn?” Tripp asked, his stance rigid.

Ella nodded, “Yes. And you won’t lay a hand on him. I’ll kill you first.”

Tripp scoffed, but he’d obviously never come between a woman and her child before. Coulson could see it in her sharp green eyes, if they tried to take the boy, she would do her best to kill them. Something told him she might have better luck than any woman in her condition should have.

Tony got between them and the woman and child, “Yeah, you guys might as well turn around. This wake is friends and family only. Could go on for a month or so, depending on how long the sickly hottie over there hangs on, and even after, you’re not allowed back. Kid’s one of us. An Avenger. Be a little while till he grows out of tantrums, but he’ll get there.”

Ella laughed, startling everyone but the deadly man at her side, “God, Tony, you haven’t even grown out of tantrums yet.”

Coulson ticked an eyebrow up, “She has a point.”

“I always do.” She replied softly, seeming moments from sleep.

The man Coulson knew to be an insane killer kissed her temple, “Sleep, Ella. I’ll keep you both safe.”

She smiled up at him, her eyes hardly focusing, “I love you.”

The man kissed her on the lips gently before urging her to rest her head back against his chest, “I love you too, El.” She was visibly asleep in seconds, despite the brewing confrontation, a sign of just how sick she was.

“Agent Coulson.” Jane Foster began, standing directly in front of him, “I’m sure you’re here out of some misguided attempt to keep people safe, but Logan would never hurt anyone. And I’ll warn you now, in addition to the rest of us coming after you if you hurt him or try to take him, his grandmother would tear whole worlds apart to find her beloved grandson. You may have heard of her: Frigga, Thor’s mother, and queen of Asgard.”

“Thought he was half Jötunn?” Coulson asked, watching with rapt attention as the boy shifted on his mother’s lap. That was when he saw the boy’s face clearly for the first time, “Are you telling me that’s Loki’s kid?”

Jane nodded, “Best thing that mad man’s done in his life. Frigga dotes on Logan. I’d do my best not to upset her.” She let her posture relax suddenly, “Besides, if what happened today was what set off your alarms, you should know, he’s not usually like this. No child handles a conversation like that one well. He uses his powers all the time now though, and I can say today is the first time he’s damaged anything in the eight months he’s been here.”

Simmons had noticed Ella’s MRI’s on a computer screen on the side of the room, and stared at them in shock, “She should be dead. If these are her MRI’s, she should have been dead months ago. Her brain is swiss cheese.”

“She’s half Jötunn herself.” Jane admitted, and everyone stared at her in shock. She shrugged, “She’s my best-friend. It wasn’t too hard to figure out. Yeah, I know she doesn’t want me to know, but I’m not an idiot.” A watery smile grew on her face, “She’s always trying to protect me.” She sniffed once, hurrying out of the room, “Excuse me.”

Coulson was focused on Banner, “What have you been giving her?”

Bruce stared back, “Normal drugs, Coulson. Her body just processes them better, or did at least. We bought her a couple months that way, but her systems are so weak right now it’ll be a matter of days, maybe a week.”

“Wow, big guy, way to bring down the mood.” Tony growled.

Bruce looked to the floor, “It’s the truth, Tony. She waited as long as she could to tell him. All strength comes to an end, Ella’s is no different.”

Apparently no one had bothered to tell the Winter Soldier that the woman he loved had only days left. “Days?” He growled, coming to his feet and becoming the biggest threat in the room.

No one noticed the woman in question had woken up, “James, I told him not to tell you.”

“Damn it, Ella.” He cursed, slamming his metal fist onto the wall beside him.

Logan stirred in his sleep, and Ella glared at her lover, “Hush.”

Darcy came through the open door behind the S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents, and squeaked, “Um…hey…look at that. We have visitors?”

Ella waved at her, “Come on in, Darce.”

“Hiya, Suit!” Darcy squeaked out, moving between Coulson and the other S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents she didn’t know. Thor followed close behind her, looking intimidating even in his plain clothes as he took inventory of the situation.

Ella rubbed Logan’s back, “Mon chéri, Miss Darcy brought some of the muffins you like. You need to wake up or Uncle Tony will eat them all.”

Coulson arched an eyebrow at Tony, “Uncle?”

Tony shrugged, “I’m one of the only ones who can keep up with the kid.” He punctuated his point by lifting the still sleeping child up into the air, “Rise and shine, kid.”

Logan gasped, startled, his blue eyes wide. He relaxed when he saw the smile on his mother’s face. “Uncle Tony!” He wailed in indignation.

Tony flopped the boy over his metal shoulder so hard that Coulson winced, but noticed that the boy didn’t seem to mind. “Feeling better, kid-cicle?”

Logan nodded, “Amma talked to me. She said I shouldn’t be bad, that I should be good for Maman.”

“Well kid, your Amma is right.” Tony said, plopping the kid down on a kitchen stool.

Darcy sat the basket of blueberry muffins in front of him, “Have at it, cutie pie.”

“One, Lo.” Ella ordered from the sofa. “Chocolate?” She said to Darcy.

“Of course, the special kind, and none for him, I remembered this time.” Darcy told her, passing a muffin to the dying woman.

Ella smiled, pulling at the wrapper and popping a chunk into her mouth, “Thank you, Darcy. Lo?”

“Thank you Miss Darcy!” The boy said around a mouthful of muffin.

They all watched in amazement as color flooded back into Ella’s face, more with each bite she took. She gave them a lopsided cocky grin, “Gotta love chocolate. Apparently a Jötunn stimulant. Basically the only thing keeping me going these days.” Ella told them. 

Then she came to her feet, more steady and upright than she’d been since they had arrived. She approached the Winter Soldier fearlessly, forcing him to look her in the face, “You gonna stay mad at me for the rest of my life?” His jaw was clenched, but her words made him relax slightly, his eyes looking lost and broken. Ella kissed him, “You know I love you, right?” He nodded, and she smiled, “No sense in languishing in my impending death, James. Let’s enjoy the time we have left, okay?”

He stared at her for a long moment before sighing heavily, “I’m not going to take this laying down, Ella. That’s not me. There’s still time to fight, we’re gonna fight.”

She laughed, “That’s Steve, not you. He’s the one that fights when there’s no hope for success. You’re the one who picks him up when he fails. Not sure he’ll know how to function if you flip the rules on him. I imagine he’ll be a bit like Janie is now.”

“Shut up, Ella.” Jane Foster hissed from the edge of the room, leaning against the doorway she’d just reentered from.

Phil Coulson watched the two women enter some sort of stand off, sure one of them was going to hit the other, but then Jane dissolved into tears. Ella grabbed her, “Oh, Janie. It’ll be okay.” She looked over Jane’s shoulder at them, “Sorry, she’s a bit emotional. Pregnancy’s a bitch.”

Phil stared at Thor in shock, who was suddenly grinning proudly from ear to ear, at least until Ella hissed at him and gestured wildly at Jane, who was still sobbing. Apparently the pregnant female wasn’t fond of Thor looking too impressed with his own virility. Eventually Jane pulled away, wiping her face and blushing darkly in embarrassment, “Sorry about that.”

Ella rolled her eyes and kissed Jane briefly on the lips, “All good Janie.” She stood in front of Phil after that, causing Melinda to twitch anxiously just behind him. The dying woman held a hand out, “Ella Dubois.”

“Phil Coulson.” He said, and shook her hand cautiously, surprised to find her touch decisively human. She smiled like she could read his thoughts, “Yeah, my kid’s got all the fun powers and shit. I’ve just got stealth-non-blue mode, sturdy bones, and brain tumors. Life’s a beach.”

Jane sniffed as Thor pulled her close, “Could you not be like that? You just gave away your secret by the way.”

Ella smiled gently, “I have to, you know that. And I’ve known you’ve known for weeks. I’m not always completely asleep before you all start yammering.” She turned to her son, “Was that a good muffin, mon chéri?”

He nodded, wrapping his arms around Darcy’s legs, Loki’s blue eyes looking odd on his sweet face. “Can we make dinner?”

Darcy shrugged, “What’d you have in mind, squirt?”

“Spaghettios.” He answered instantly.

Darcy pulled a face, “Eww, kid, no. Tony, what do you have in the kitchen? Got to give this kid some variety from spaghettios and ice cream.”

“Can we have ice cream?” He asked, eyes wide.

“No.” Ella said firmly, giving Phil a small smile, “The kid could eat ice cream all day. You have kids?”

He glanced back at the team, “No, not really.”

“You’re missing out.” She said easily, whispering to Natasha in Russian for a moment, the other woman disappearing moments later. Ella turned to Simmons, “Thank you for helping earlier, you wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve nearly cracked my head open on the tile.”

“You should be dead.” Jemma said uneasily.

Ella nodded, “You heard the man, about a week. I’ll have to sleep for a while once this chocolate high wears off. I’ll try to make this part quick then. You’re a scientist. I won’t let you exploit my son. The most I’ll offer you free reign with is his cord blood.”

“You would?” Jemma gasped, astounded.

“Yes.” Ella said simply, “I understand the need for exploration and advancement, that’s why I had his cord blood stored in the first place. I’m not going to stand in the way of that, but my son is not going to become a lab rat against his will.”

Jemma was offended, “I would never do that to a child.”

Ella shrugged, “Just saying. His legal guardians are going to be the man you all know as the Winter Soldier and Thor’s baby-mama. I think anyone would be insane to try anything.”

“Of course they would.” Coulson said, looking at the little boy hanging on Thor’s muscled bicep.

“He’s a good boy, Mr. Coulson. A little impish, but there’s not a malicious bone in his body.” Ella said, an instant before the boy was at her side in a puff of green smoke.

Coulson started, uttering, “Woah.”

“Maman, can we go have Chinese food for dinner? Miss Darcy said I could have a spring roll and she’d bring her special sauce.” Logan said excitedly.

Ella cupped his face in one of her hands, “Mon chéri, you know I can’t leave, but so long as you listen to your Tante, you can go. Remember, don’t hassle her.”

Logan grinned, “I won’t Maman!” His grin faltered, “Will you still be here when we get back?”

Ella nodded, her own expression falling, “I will, promise. You can call me anytime you want while you’re gone. James will make sure Darcy doesn’t lose her phone again.”

“Hey, it was one time, and we were fine. Your kid got to ride the subway for the first time with me. No way I’ll ever be dethroned as coolest babysitter.” Darcy quipped, scowling when Bucky handed her the phone she’d abandoned on the kitchen island.

“Mother teaches him magic.” Thor said simply, scooping his nephew up and taking one of Ella’s hands in his own, “We shall return, sister. Lady Darcy, Bucky, we must go before my fríör rages again.” (Beloved)

Ella shushed him again, but Jane appeared at his side with her purse a moment later, “What are you making that face for?”

“Nothing!” Ella said defensively.

Logan, on the other hand, was suddenly out of his uncle’s arms and in the center of the group of agents, standing in front of a pretty young woman with long dark hair, “Kyn.” He uttered softly, and reached out to touch her bare fingers. She jerked at his cold touch, but he just looked over his shoulder in confusion, “Maman?”

Ella smiled indulgently, “Kyn, yes, but she’s not Jötunn, Lo. She’s not going to turn blue.” She winked at the girl, “I wasn’t going to say anything.”

Coulson stared, “You can tell Skye’s not human?”

Ella nodded, “Yeah, I’m sure Thor here could too if he wasn’t still gaga over being a father.”

Thor narrowed his eyes, “She’s of Kree.”

Ella turned on him as soon as she made the connection from stories he’d told her son, “You’ll leave her be. I didn’t ask to be half Jötunn, and she didn’t ask to be the result of some Kree’s science experiment. Am I clear?”

Thor stared at her, and Coulson was sure the woman was going to get herself into danger. Then the little boy practically climbed into Skye’s arms, “I like her, can she come to dinner too?”

The Winter Soldier started laughing.

Everyone but Ella was stunned by the noise. Ella just glared, “Oh, hush.”

Bucky shook his head, smiling, “That kid, he’s going to have all the girls lining up to dance with him.”

Ella approached him and pulled his face down to meet hers in a wet kiss, “Just remember, he has babies before he’s twenty-five and I will so haunt your ass.”

“Not going to let you die, Ella.” He said firmly.

“Well, we can debate about that later. Go get some food in my kid, okay? Make sure he gets back early enough to help clean up this mess before bedtime.” Ella said softly, kissing him again.

He sighed, but stared into her green eyes, “I love you.”

She grinned at him, “I love you too.” Bucky peeled Logan off of Skye, who was too terrified to move, and the five left the building. Ella smiled sympathetically at her, “Sorry about that. We’ve been trying to break him of climbing all over people, but with Steve, Thor and Bucky around it’s been difficult. The three of them are complete mush, and Tony only pretends to be a hard ass. Clint and Jane are my only real allies when it comes to keeping him from swinging from Tony’s chandelier.”

She suddenly noticed Tripp, “Hey, I know you.”

He frowned in confusion, “Don’t think so.”

Ella nodded, “Yes, I do. We met at a gala when I was like sixteen. I was there with my father. They were honoring the Howling Commandos. Jacques Dernier was my grandfather.”

“We played chess.” Tripp said slowly, one side of his mouth ticking up in a wry grin as he finally remembered the gawky long legged teenaged girl he’d spent a couple of hours with, “You were terrible.”

“Still am.” Ella said easily. Then she grimaced, “Sorry again about my step-mother.”

Tripp scowled, “That woman is a piece of work.”

“Right?” Ella said expressively, sitting back down and gesturing for them to make themselves comfortable, “That’s why I never let Logan be around her. Lucky Frigga loves him so much or my kid would think all grandmothers are that close-minded and snobby.” She glanced at Coulson, “He’s never alone with Loki, by the way. Supervised visits only. The one thing Odin and I agree upon.”

Steve settled nearby, holding his body taut enough to clearly show that he would defend her if he needed to. Ella had brought Bucky back to him, and for that he would do anything he could to make sure her final days were as painless as possible.

The British woman, Jemma, Ella remembered vaguely, bounced on the chair she’d taken, looking excitedly between Ella and Bruce. Ella sighed, feeling her energy already reaching its peak, “What?”

Jemma flushed scarlet, “I’m sorry, it’s just... I’ve never seen anyone not from Earth be sick. Honestly, alien DNA is usually superiorly coded, things like cancer should be impossible.”

Ella glanced at Bruce, who nodded slightly, and told Jemma, “I’m half human, maybe alien immunity got killed by human vulnerability. You’re welcome to all the tests Dr. Banner has run on me.” She looked back at Bruce, “Actually, he should probably take more blood and my vitals now.”

“Peaking?” Bruce asked.

Ella nodded, “Yeah, we’ve got about an hour before I’m out cold. Best get on with it, no?”

Bruce smiled at her tightly, “I’ll be right back with everything.”

He left, and Ella laughed, looking at Coulson, “That’s his way of telling me he thinks I’m too weak to walk from here into the elevator and then into his lab and back.”

“You seem fine now.” Phil replied.

Ella shrugged, “To me chocolate is like being on LSD or something else like that, I feel great, my mind is abuzz with everything, but my body is still barely hanging on.”

Jemma looked disturbed, “Has Dr. Banner explored the affect of chocolate on your physiology?”

“I have.” Bruce said, rolling in the machines he used to make the daily checks on Ella’s deteriorating state. “But I’ve been more focused on keeping her alive.”

Jemma was alight with ideas, “I’d like to look at that research, perhaps another treatment could be...”

“No.” Ella said softly, “I’m tired of fighting the inevitable. It’s my time.”

**Author's Note:**

> For those of you waiting on chapters of my other stories, they're coming, I'm just having some intermittent writers block!
> 
> Next chapter of this story will be up either later today or Tuesday. Please let me know if there's something terribly wrong with all the French in this, it's all from Google Translate because I, unfortunately, am monolingual.
> 
> Comments and Kudos welcome!


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